Finally. It's the long weekend. Why did this week go so slowly even though it's a 4 day week? And the next holiday is in August. AUGUST. Damn it, so damn far away.

Mom's day coming soon and I don't have the slightest idea what to get my mom. I think she would like cash. Hm...

Impromptu meetup with Kum & Shi today. Talk about jobs... again. Kum finally graduating, and panicking being not able to get a job, irritated with her mom with the slightest suggestion that she should be more proactive in looking for a job, just as I was in the past. Shi, as usual, saying that she wants to quit her accounting job and that cos of her job, she doesn't have a life of her own now, BUT the money is too good. So that's why she's still at it now.

But seriously, to work everyday till 9 something? And even on weekends? If I were Shi, I wouldn't have lasted till this long. And I would have justified myself by saying something about having to weigh my happiness and freedom against a big paycheck. First 2 weeks of the month, I would not think much, but next 2 weeks, I would curse and swear that even though I work till so late everyday, but I don't have enough money to spend.

There's no perfect job. Even if it seems perfect at the start, it'll begin to become a routine and a bore. And then, you'll start dreading it. Er, maybe. Cos I was not even in the perfect job in the first place.

I don't even know what's a perfect job. Heck - there's no perfect job. Haiya, what am I saying. Jobs are just jobs. You work, you earn money, you get by. And in no time, you'll retire, with barely any money because you've been paying off debts and loans for cars and houses and everything else. So you'll be happier maybe, to just give up looking for the perfect job for yourself. Cos happy or not, the world still goes round, and what makes the world go round? Money.

Life is so sad...

And I realise that my blogs are getting really mundane and boring... but of course, it reflects my dull life... boohoohooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Time to sleep.

Last night, one of my closest friends messaged me saying that she was clearing her stuffs and came across some things that reminded her of how close we used to be, and then ended off saying that she misses me. That message sent me a pang of pain in my innards and I realised that I was swallowing a lump in my throat as I read the message.

I had been missing Shi & Kum even though we all carried on with our busy lives. I placed a photograph of us all beneath the glass pane on my desk at work, but that had dated back when I was just 18 years old. Even though we were all from different junior colleges, we were still close and kept in contact often. Times at school is somehow different... The feel is somehow different. We can be super busy with our work but we can still manage to find some time to meet up and do silly things. Busy but really happy times. But again, we had school holidays. We grow older, and we lack the energy to do just about anything other than.. work. So we get busy... and unhappy.

I miss my friends, and getting to know that they miss me too, made me miss them even more... And miss the times when we are all schooling...

They still remain as the closest friends that I ever had...

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I'm done with reading The Da Vinci Code. WOW. I'm glad that I had bought the book. It was really a marvel!!!! I MUST watch that movie!!! I hope the show do justice to the story book. Can't wait for its release. Hm. Although it was explicitly indicated that the story's fictional, some parts of me hoped that it is not. Because it's controversial? Maybe! Everyone loves a controversy.

I just love the mysterious and dark feeling of the unveiled parts of history. And the possibility of another truth, another side of the frequently told story. Of course, I know there's no absolute truth. And I've learnt there's no history recorded that depicts the absolute truth of what had happened. (I've always like those lessons in University - "History is just but the relation of events in the past from the perspective of the dominant class..." Oooh!!! That dark feeling! Of the untold side of history burning to be unveiled...)

That's why I like mystery books I guess.

Although I had never liked History (& Kum can testify to that) and never scored in that subject, because I hate memorizing important dates and long weird-sounding names, the mystifying factor of what the present try to derive from the evidence left from the past is a draw. Especially the controversial and open-ended ones.

....ahh... Can't wait till 18th May!!

Was pissed off at work some time back and I was blabbering at top speed to almost anyone how unhappy and indignant I was. Till the point that I find it a little pointless to say it out on blog right now.

But boy, am I pissed. I was kinda glad though - I found out that, in fact, I wasn't the sole person feeling that way to that particular idiot. And so a bunch of us were happily bringing The Housefly down during lunch times, and any one time that he came buzzing around us irritatingly for no particular reason. Somehow, bonding occurs when we have a common enemy. Wahaha.

Grrr...

.................................................

I've watched Take the Lead! And woooah... I wish I can dance that well, man!!!!!! But erm, I also wished I can do Muay Thai Boxing when I watched this particular Thai show. And I'd also wished that I can do Kungfu when I watched Charlie's Angels. And that I have extraordinary supernatural powers when I watched X-Men. Or that I can surf like a pro when I watched Blue Crush. So...... ignore me.

Nice soundtracks though. Makes me wanna daaaance...!!

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A colleague just left us. I felt really sad, even though I'd known her only for about 3 months. Prolly the reason being that she's one of the lunch kakis of mine, and that she's really nice. And also, that she sits behind me, and when she leaves, someone new is going to take her place. :(

Oh well... greener pastures beckons. So the cows on the yellower side have to let this cow happily go to the juicier grass.

So sad. Mooo...

Sometimes I think, is this really what I really want to be doing in the future? Am I going to be stuck at what I am primarily doing, will I have a chance to venture some more?

Thinking about the future sucks. And there isn't really much of a point cos you don't ever get answers.

Suicidal Thoughts

I remember, having talking about suicidal methods which one can take with my friends. I don't know why I suddenly thought about that topic. We talked about the pain factor, aesthetics factor, fun (before you die) factor...

1) Slitting of wrists: It's messy, and of course it hurts. You see and feel blood spurting out from your cut wrists, like water fountains. Unlike TV shows, blood don't trickle, if you really intent on killing yourself. It's often, very grostesque and messy. And painful.

2) Jumping down from anywhere really tall: The thrill factor will be there, before you hit the ground. But once you wham your face into the ground, it'll be really messy and ugly. Every bone will be shattered. And on the way down, steer clear of all objects to maximise thrill factor and minimise pain factor. There's one case that a person was decapitated because his/her head hit the paraquet so hard, that the head broke off the body. So that the body lay below the building but the head was on some floors above at the corridor. And it better be somewhere really tall and can, for sure, kill you, once and for all. It's worse when you become paralysed, when you all the more want to kill yourself, but find yourself, all helpless and unable to move at all to bring a knife to your throat.

3) Downing sleeping pills / detergent: Sleeping pills would prolly be a quieter way to go away than detergent. But both can result in serious bouts of vomitting which can be really painful. You start foaming at the mouth, while your stomach is churning and trying its very best to dispel the poison and toxic. You die smelly and foaming and prolly blue from choking on your own vomit.

4) Drowning: It's a painful and slow way to kill yourself. You struggle and kick at nothing, your lungs burning for air; suffocation is a horrible lonely feeling. It's not aesthetical either, your body will bloat up and turn greyish-blue.

5) Gassing: My friends and I once thought that gassing yourself seems the quietest and painless and most aesthetical way to go. You'll die with a pink glow on your face, and most of the times, you won't feel suffocated because you will die in your sleep. But you risk being blown up, once there's an electric spark the whole house will be blown up. And you risk having other innocent people being injured or killed too in your quest of killing yourself.

6) Hanging: Like drowning, suffocation. And you will look horrible. I was told, before that the tongue will hang out of the mouth, and because you struggle so much and kicking blindly at air, you may shit or pee in your pants.

7) Setting one self on fire: Pain, and of course, you will not be recognized. If you manage to find a place to really burn yourself up without anyone stopping you. And of course, you risk setting up the whole place on fire, which may also injure innocent people.

8) Stabbing one self: Pain pain pain.

9) Shooting self with gun: (let's not talk how you get the gun in the first place) At the head, your brains will fly out and splatter on the wall. And half your head will be blown off. Not pretty. If you shoot yourself in the throat, your head will be lolling off by sheer skin and some shreds of muscles. Very unpretty. If you attempt to shoot yourself at your chest, you may not die so quickly. You will most prolly die from internal bleeding and drowning from your own blood. See 4) Drowning.

There's no way that you can kill yourself, painlessly, beautifully, and without having anyone risking being hurt also. I was thinking whether stuffing one self with Milo powder can achieve that, or not. I love Milo.

But I thought also, people who are determined to kill themselves, will not really think of consequences, or how they'll look like after they die, or the pain... The pain that they are going through in their lives, must be tremendous to make them want to take their lives. People say that committing suicide is a selfish act. I don't deny that, do they think of the people who care for them, who love them...? They prolly thought that ending their lives will be tantamount to ending all troubles. Their own troubles. But they didn't think how devastated how sad their families and friends will be with their absence.

Committing suicide is a crime, you know? Your body will be handcuffed and taken away. And your body will also be caned.

Rain rain rain! What's so good about having a holiday, when the weather's so damn bad and you pratically can't go anywhere! So damn depressing.

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When I replied that i was going home to sleep or watch tv, to whoever who asked me where I was going after work since it's going to be a long weekend, they smiled sadly and said, "That's how things are once you start work. Sad, right?"

........that sounds like an implication that I do not have a life, or that I have a very sad mundane life. Okay, I don't deny that actually, it's rather sad. Not much time for anything else. Heck, I can almost forget that my birthday is arriving soon, till my mom suggested something for my birthday present. I was thinking, "Huh? My birthday present?" and then.. I feel old and now, I don't find it disbelieving that people actually do forget their own birthdays because they're too caught up with other matters in their lives, their work. I normally would have been counting down to it. But now... Maybe I'm getting too old (and busy), and have started evading candles, subconsciously.

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I feel ashamed, that being a Chinese, I only can sputter Chinese, marginally coherent in my speech. This is embarrasing. Although I feel bad that I can't speak Cantonese really well even though I understand it and can vomit coherent phrases from time to time, it's somehow worse for not being able to speak fluently in Chinese. Because I had actually studied Chinese?!

But what the hell, I was at work when I was speaking to a kind uncle who can only speak Chinese and Hokkien (forget Hokkien, when I can't even handle my own dialect) over the phone, I was sputtering in my Chinese so bad, I found myself hilarious. The kind uncle was very patient with my slow, broken sentences. It's like, I threw the key words out at him, and he listened patiently, while filling in the blanks himself. In the end, he understood what I was trying to get to him, and he was so thankful that I got to him, and apologetic that I need to call so many times regarding this event. While inside of me, I was thankful that he was being so kind and patient towards me! ...I yearn, to improve my CHINESE!!!

I've been listening to some Chinese songs for now. But I doubt that helps, cos... I didn't understand a single shit what the singers are yodelling. Even if I could decipher what they were singing, or that I manage to hit a website with the Chinese lyrics to the songs, I vaguely understand what they mean while ponder what they mean when the words are strung together. On more sophisticated songs, really picturesque ones, like Jay Chou's ones, I can hardly understand the songs off-ear.

This is so sad. My mom asked me to go read Chinese books and I stared at her blankly. I do not even have time for English books, books that I will love to read, will I have the time to pore over books which I have to guess about its contents even after I read the book? But if I don't read Chinese books, how the heck am I going to improve my Chinese? So I try to speak Chinese more often now.

Try.

home from being sick...

was feeling really horrid last night.. my bones were aching and felt like they were going to scatter, just don't know what is holding them together.

prolly i was already going to be sick for a while already. have been feeling tired and listless. and on saturday, i slept at 7 sth in the evening and woke up with a start at 12.30AM.. shortly went back to sleep till next morning 8.30AM. ... that's more than 12 hours of sleep. non-stop. and on the car to my grandpa's grave at lim chu kang, i knocked out too. my parents were amazed.

and then i got sick la.

and i wanted to go to work actually.. cos today's the day my boss returned from her leave. like, not really nice right.. i remembered once when i asked for leave when she returned from a busienss trip, and she said i was trying to rebel or go on strike or what, to apply for leave only when she returns..

and there are things to be done. haiya haiya..

so bored at home.. time is passing so slowly man!!

when i was at the clinic's this morning.. i was taken aback by the people queueing to see the doctor. is it the bad weather these days that caused everyone to be sick.. or is it Monday?

and i sat sullenly in the clinic trying hard to not doze off.

doctor was zippy and in cut-the-chase mode. not surprising. when i was done it was almost 1pm and i doubted she had her lunch and there are still people waiting outside.

and it's only 3pm only.. wa..

zzz..

okay, being good prolly pays off.

my wallet managed to find its way back to my house.

THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD!!!

a pregnant lady came to my house doorstep, and stuck her hand through our door gate and was brandishing my wallet at us. all being bewildered and surprised by her sudden presence, we stared blankly at her. then it hit me, HEEEY...!! THAT'S MY WALLET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

of course, the money is all gone, when the lady found it. she picked it up at.... toa payoh. when i lost it in town. everything's in place, but notes and coins even, are gone. haiya, 20 bucks, let them take.

i'm so thankful.. i was prancing and dancing about in circles in my living room with my wallet, i forgot to erm, reward the pregnant lady and her husband. or even invite them in for a drink or something like that. i just went chanting "thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou" while leaping around.

at least i needn't pay that 100 bucks for my IC. yipee!!!!
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tried to catch the korean show Da Chang Jin every night. it's like a cook show, but i don't know why, i'm kinda hooked. the show is basically about this smart girl (with a a lot of luck), who's actually a scientist in disguise, playing around with food. she's supposedly to be young, but looks quite old. but that's beside the point.

but i'm like really tired cos i'm trying to catch the show. and barely had 6 hours of sleep each day. i don't know how i survived 4 or 5 hours each night when i was schooling. man, i'm getting old. damn.

work.. i don't know what to say. every work has its own problems la huh... and it's always tough, no matter where. too little work, complain; too much work; also complain. it's even tougher when young people (did i just mention that i was getting old?) come out to look for work. tough, but so? grit your teeth and move on lo. it'll pass, eventually - before you know it. then, prolly, you'll get used to it...?

BEEBEEBABEEBOOOOOO!!!

do i believe in karma?................ you decide la.

yesterday, i was a good girl. i did all the things i need to do. and then going home on the train, i gave up my seat to an old man. and when a woman carrying her child came on in the next stop, i stared at the woman sitting beside the now-seated-old-man, and made her guilty enough to give up her seat too. so, old man and the woman with kid sitting side by side. i was a good girl. -halo shining brightly-

TODAY, i don't know what the fark happened. instead of a halo on top of my head, it was a big raincloud. went for this medical checkup because the company have to verify that i'm not going to die the very next moment they employ me. gotta wake up rather early on a saturday morning, ok, never mind. clinic bloody crowded - and service was like, bad. stood at the counter, and this woman has very narrow visual scope or what, couldn't see me at the corner of her eye. ignored me... on purpose? talking to her friends, who are not working there, but somehow, are in the counter. i said "excuse me" loudly and clearly, and i think, she didn't like that.

urine test. urinating in a plastic cup, without a cover. and the nearest toilet, is not even in the clinic. i imagine myself staring at the brimming cup of warm urine with such intense concentration as i walk about cautiously, while people around me disgustingly step away in case i start to splash them with my urine happily. the clinic is bloody crowded. in the end, i put that cup of urine, without a cover, into a plastic bag to hide the yellow liquid sloshing around the white transculent cup. no one will think that it's gatorade nor chrysanthynum tea. not in a white transculent cup, not in a clinic.

checkup was ok. nothing spectacular. only more memorable part was prolly that the doctor was trying to flatten my (sore, read on below) breasts as if they were playdough so that she can check if they are lumps. yah, thank god - the doctor's a female. and a pregnant one at that. yes, thank goodness too, i don't have lumpy breasts.

next was x-ray. ok, if i thought that the clinic was chaotic, the x-ray dept was a farmhouse. so many people. and the service was worse. the counter lady wanted my I/C. ok, i whipped out and gave it to her. upon returning it to me, i flew to an empty seat near the magazines. after placing my wallet on my bag, i settled in comfortably, reading the magazines.

when they called out for me, i stood up stupidly taking my bag while my wallet fell to the floor. i think. that's how i lost my wallet. i went for my x-ray then. and then the nurse didn't give me a loose gown/top to change in, cos my top didn't look metal.

"just take out your bra. that's good enough." she said.

huh, but my top is tight! while the other 3/4 girls changed out of their bras and tops, into nice big x-ray gowns, i was facing one corner hugging my breasts. but thank god, the person who helped x-rayed me, was a woman too.

the moment i found out that my wallet was missing, i was in orchard, thirsty and trying to get a drink. and that bloody place i had my x-ray taken was in somerset - the other end. i ran back, and like in a movie, shot my hand through the closing lift door so that it can sense it and open up. but, it went on to kiap my hand. i was like, "haiya! haiya!" and struggling outside, and i'd prolly scared the woman inside with my wriggling stuck hand on the other side. she opened the door and i breathed a thank you, but the only thing in my mind was my precious wallet.

i flew into the x-ray place and frantically scanned the floor with crazy eyes, and the women working there were like "wa, what is this mad woman doing?!" but they offered their utmost help, despite of what i thought of them previously. bad service and all. they tried helping me look for my wallet, while tooting away, saying "oh no, oh dear" - which don't really console me. they asked for my contact number and name saying that they will contact me if they found it... one even asked whether i got the money to get home. frankly, i'm touched. i declined their offer tho', since i was meeting my mom. the feeling was, shit... oooh... nooooo.. felt like taking a knife and stabbing myself in my chest repeatedly.

yes, all the trouble!!! to get a replacement for my IC which will cost 100 bucks, to cancel my bank cards, my pictures with JX... and my co's access card (which i will surely be penalised!!)!! i don't mind whoever who picked my wallet take the money. but gimme back my wallet and cards and pictures!!! boohooohooooo....

well, cancelled my debit card and suspended my ATM card. made a police report before returning home. not like they can do anything la. but at least if anyone tries to use my IC to borrow money from loan sharks... uh, i also don't know what the police can do.

and then my period came (hence the sore breasts). WA KAO. as i sat in the takashimaya's toilet cubicle grouchily, i could feel the dark cloud over my head getting heavier and darker, with thunder and lightning frying my head. ok, my lost wallet and my period seemingly have no connections with each other, but maybe cos of how traumatic i feel about my lost wallet, i started to bleed...... somewhere. sooo.....

i curse the person who picked my wallet and took the money, and most prolly threw everything else into a rubbish bin! I CURSE YOU OK??? I CURSE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!

..have been ages that i posted anything on this blog.....

and i am starting to think.. whether it matters at all or not...

i've come to learnt that.. life is never perfect.. never too perfect.. you can't have everything in life..

and someone made a comment saying "nothing is of permanence, everything's temporary, transient.. even your stay in this world will come to an end, sooner or later.."...

it stayed in my mind.. cos of everything that is happening to me...

some will say, that the importance of anything too beautiful or perfect is not in its length of time.. but the time it shone its brightest..

i, like anyone, hope that my life is a beautiful dream that doesn't end...

STILL a dalmation

...or a cow..

and this coming saturday, there's going to be another archery competition. should i even out my tan and worsen the situation or just cover up like michael jackson? i'm still peeling after two weeks. and at the end of my virgin run after many weeks just now, i was alarmed by the blisters all over my arms. and i realised, they're bubbles of sweat under my dead skin. and so i proceeded to scratching them happily, feeling them pop like a pimple or a bubble foam pad.

it's already past midnight.. and of all people to be not home, it's my MOMMY! she went to meet her friend at a block nearby to chat after her dinner and till now, she's not home yet. hm. should i call her to nag at her to return home soon?

life has been mundane.. work work work.. sometimes work till 9-10.. but at least, it's not like my first job.. i was happier busy here, somehow. something that makes me think that i could possibly stay in this company for as long as i would like.

speaking about jobs. have yet to receive any response on the american MNC company after my 2nd interview. the pay's like damn good, at least for me right now. and there are possibilities to venture to other depts for experience and development. sounds good. but still, scary. getting used to the new environment.. hopping onto unknown grounds, forsaking the more familiar and comfortable one. not knowing whether you will fit in there... and if you don't fit in.. you have made the wrong choice.. and leaving yourself with none, or misery if you hang on.

argh.. so do i rather that i not have the choice? it seems much simpler.

that's the thing. when you're jobless, no job offers come your way. and when you have one, suddenly they all emerge. life's a joke.

i've spoken too soon. the day i posted up that blog... it was a mistake. i've not got a time to stop and.. just do about anything. hell, there were like a few times that my urine was about to spurt out but i don't even have time to go to the toilet.

all the bad karma, accumulated and blasted at one full force at my face.

but prolly, being busy is good. time passes by exceptionally quickly.

boy, it's going to be march soon. argh, we're getting old too fast.

speaking of old, i'm looking old and wrinkly like a preserved prune. got, like, 2nd degree burns from mighty Mr. Sun... last sunday during IVP archery competition in NUS. (where JX got 2nd in his category!) everyone at work said to me, "wow, lobster!" "wow, roasted pig!" "wow, char siew!" or any food that is red in colour. when they asked, "suntanning huh?".. i thought, "then it must be a suntanning session gone wrong, man. i'm roasted. if i had went to tan, it wouldn't be this colouuuuuurrrr..."

and i'm peeling like mad, i am starting to look like a cow. have been scratching myself for the past few days like a monkey and looking like a skin diseased patient.

but i don't deny that the part where i peeled off a whole patch of my skin is exhilarating. ah hahaha..

it looks gross tho', and JX didn't know what to do or say to stop me. i don't think anyone would like to breathe in small teeny particles of another person's body. like, dead little bits.

how!! how!!! only one more day to monday! and i looked like a cow!

p.s.: i got through the 1st selection for the American MNC co. but............... argh......... i don't feel like going for the 2nd interview...!

My boss is back, but I'm still as free.. (-_-)

Cos she's too busy to give me work.. for now.

Arh...

Got an interview tomorrow during lunch with an American MNC company.. heard that I can request for a higher-than-norm pay. Hm!

But that also meant that I gotta work hard. And there definitely has more work for me to do - like I've got to have my fingers in everything.

Of course, yeah, I gotta be value for money.

Let's just see how the interview goes. I feel that it's going to be pretty intimidating - am going to be interviewed by the HR manager and a director already...(?!) ...I'm happy at this job I'm at now. The people here are nice. And I'm getting used to the environment here already. AND, I've got a good old friend here with me now. One big turnoff would be the adaptation to a new environment, again......

But... argh.. It's a perm job that is going to offer a good pay. And it's more accessible.

Haiya, I'll just think about my choices if I'm offered in the first place.

do you sometimes wonder........

1) when was the last time you laughed really hard and really happily?
2) when was the last time you stopped rushing about and look at nature's work around you?
3) when was the last time you stopped thinking about what others have not done for you, but what they have?
4) when was the last time you looked at the blue sky and take in a deep happy breath?
5) when was the last time you took a good look at your parents?
6) when was the last time you told them that you love them?
7) when was the last time you tried something that you have never before?
8) when was the last time you did your body a favour and take a rest? or exercise?
9) when was the last time you follow your feet to where they lead you?
10) about your own existence..?

...things i have to do today.

zzzzzzzzzz...

too much time to slack isn't a good sign right. it shows that they can prolly do without me.

hm..

but there is no use pretending there's something to be busy on, when there isn't anything to do?

anyways, Valentine's day is around the corner, but i do not have the slightest idea how the day's going to be like. nor what to get for my boy. i doubt he has any idea too. to the more pragmatic/less romantic ones, they will say Valentine's day just a very commercialised day, like how Christmas is getting now. inflated prices for anything red or pink or in ribbons on that day. so some refuse to celebrate it on that day. smart, or lack of romanticism? but again, a meal for 2 that day can rocket to such exorbitant prices, you think that couples only eat on that day.

but i think you can celebrate romanticism specially just for zero bucks.

the best things in life, are often, free, anyway. unless the day's weather is bad, actually. in which, you'll have nowhere to go, and nothing to do. but again, it wouldn't matter, if he/she is by you.

blogging from work...

why am i always so free at work, and am able to blog from the office?

i seriously don't know.

my boss is outta town today, and she didn't even tell me yesterday. and she won't be back till tomorrow evening? and didn't leave any message or work for me to do. asked around for work to do. but... nothing at the moment.

and i hopped onto the job of binding booklets and punching holes. yes, i'm bored..

drank 2 bottles of water and went to toilets 3 times?

*tick tock tick tock*

it's gonna be a loooooooonnnng day.......................................

i'm back in office, i can't believe it either.

i dragged myself to work, although i felt really tired in the morning. telling myself not to excuse myself for being lazy. i haven't gone to the toilet for rather a long time already, i should be ok?

but i don't know why i feel so sleepy and giddy.

and it gets worse through the day... at lunchtime, trudging back to office alone with my dull food, my world started to sway left and right. i couldn't really focus my eyes and an image of myself walking like a drunk with crossed eyes emerged. and i wanted to laugh.

but i was feeling really giddy and weak.

ahhh.. i'm such a neh neh!!

gah.. at least i'm not shitting my life out already.

it's monday, and i'm home. feeling weak and a little jittery from the antibiotics that HARDLY HELPED AT ALL.

i'm still going to the toilet.

friday diarrhoea, go see doctor. saturday was still ok, i thought i was getting better, and there was a dinner at some expensive restaurant with my dad's relatives which i had to go. and with that teeny little rich food that i had, i went to toilet on sunday like what, 10 times? more than that?

everyone tells me to see another doctor.

*tears hair* i don't want my stools to be examined!!!!!!!!!! rather, i don't want to collect my shit!!!

much less to be hospitalised ah.

ying was hospitalised for a few days cos she had food poisoning too. supposedly from a fresh abalone she ate at home. vomit vomit vomit.

if you ask me, i rather have diarrhoea. less tiring. just sit on the toilet bowl. and splat. for vomiting, you gotta bend over, and feel your stomach heave and overturn and feel everything gushing outta your mouth. not to mention the aftertaste of a vomiting session.

***intermission***

just came outta toilet. i don't even use toilet paper now. it would have been a raw spot now if i'd used toilet paper each time i go to toilet. like sandpapered raw. so i wash myself and come out with my bottoms all wet.

i'm such a sad case.

i have a bad cough and each night i coughed like i've got tubercolosis. and each time i cough, i'm scared that the force wrecking my body will cause my diarrhoea to shoot out. like, imagine, lungs out of my mouth, and entrails and stomach outta my ass.

what a sight. in fact, last night was a night verging on a scenario like that. i was coughing so badly i woke the whole family up.

am i dying!

my sister was saying something abut having to detoxify after all the junk food we ate during the CNY. i added, "i'm heavily into it right now (and i can't stop)."

oh no.. ......................not again....

it costed almost 30 bucks. and the doctor said why do i have so many problems. some 100-day cough and er, food poisoning?

and there's visiting still this weekend. *groan*

and guess what, as i am typing this darn blog out at home, my computer is missing its mouse. dammit. who else but she removed it?! normally when she's home, she hogs the computer the WHOLE time. noooooooo, no one can touch it! "OI, i'm doing my stuffs!" "OI, i'm using it first!" "i want to write some songs." "i want to download..." (and then grabbed the mouse from you)

ARRRRGH!!!

and today, she's not home early, but she took the bloody mouse to work in the morning?! presumably. NOBODY NEEDS TO USE THE DAMN COMPUTER AT HOME?! ONLY SHE CAN?! wa lao!!! dammit. S.E.L.F.I.S.H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gahh. i don't have mood to carry on blogging anymore.

i'm back from shanghai over the chinese new year. and 3 days into work already.

and i'm blardy ill.

i'm coughing my lungs out when the moon comes up, and today, i exploded with water in the toilet cubicle. if i ate something wrong in shanghai, and my body only reacted today - 3 days after i returned, there must be something definitely wrong to start with.

there's so much to say about my stay in shanghai.

but it all came out in the toilet today.

all i could say is:

1) the people there shove and push like it's rush hour every minute. doesn't matter that they're armed with joss sticks. they burn you with them. and scatter ash on you. which brings me to...

2) they don't respect their sacred grounds at all. rubbish everywhere in the temple, joss sticks thrown on the floor to burn, light their joss sticks from the fire on the ground, and they spit. you wonder why do they even bother to pay money to enter the temple to pray to the gods. yes, you gotta pay to get in. so you wonder, where do all that blardy money go to.

3) their service is freaking bad.

4) you can bargain just about anything. even for the bill for the meal at a restaurant.

5) you can bargain up to 1/3 or 1/4 of the price they quote.

6) their food can be really salty and oily.

7) but have some nice food though. like, bing tang hu lu or bing tang chao mei. basically fruits coated with a thin layer of sugar coating. YUM.

8) the people there have absolutely flawless and beautiful skin.

9) the children there are really cute, wrapped up like dumplings and tottering around with flushed red cheeks.

10) the city is almost a photocopy of Singapore.

11) the city is really beautifully litted up. exorbitant electrical bills.

12) i hate freaking cold weathers. so damn cold and yet no snow.

..gotta rush to toilet!

after mopping my drool up, i'm still dazed. with bouncing boobies and swaying perty bums in my mind's eye.

and legs that are neverending. slim, toned and bronze. *slurp*

and the prettiest lingerie. feathered wings! ribbons! satin! furballs!

i can imagine why whenever Victoria's Secrets runway show, cities lost billions of dollars cos of the stop of all operations. everyone will just stop and gape.... with drool pooling at their feet.

finally it's the weekend. weee~

spent the last week at work. a job that my baby-faced friend introduced to me. i was a little idle cos the culture there is that newcomers are not really supposed to do work. hm... and i only got to see my direct boss yesterday.

i hate shoes. my poor toes were tormented and handiplaster-ed up like mummies. and they're like half-rotten with blisters. one small toe can actually have TWO freaking blisters at different places and i gotta use TWO plasters?? and my toes looked so ridiculous being all mummified. that i actually laughed at them.

my toes.

............what the hell. i just saw a headphone for the cd/md/mp3 player lying on my sister's tray on her desk.... the ear pieces have MOULD growing on them!!!!!!!!! gah.. gross.

i saw something that irritated me last night. i was in the lift, and at a floor, the lift doors opened and a girl came in followed by her mom/aunt. and her aunt/mom carried a trolley into the lift. and the trolley........... laid a dog. the girl was asking her mom/aunt something about not letting the dog come out to walk? and the mom/aunt said something like no. and the girl said,

"good lo! it can sit inside the trolley and relax. while we walk! very good hor!"

what? you think it's like those royalties or what blah in the swordsmen time ah? they being carried around in a cubicle by 4 men? this dog isn't really small, and the trolley isn't very big. and looking at the trolley, it's more like a cage more than anything. i could understand that the owner didn't want to dirty its precious paws by letting it trot around in public. but if, to think that the dog will enjoy being pushed around in a trolley as it's 'relaxing'.. i think that's nonsense. if it's Man's friend, we should let it trot beside us like an equal you know.. but to 'trolley' it, it's like, depriving it of its freedom, to even walk.

the dog is like almost a caged chicken. the chicken held captive and to grow fat only for us to eat. the dog, like just a plaything and growing fat for sitting in the trolley. rather sad, to see the outside world, through squares of metal wire.

i'm blogging from work and i'm so bored. taboo to say such a stuff? haiya..

they say cos it's my first few days of work. that's why i'm so free.

i don't know what to do.

it'll get too suspicious that i kept on typing now. when i don't have anything to do la?!

wehh... :'(

have you ever seen a person, who only expects to be given way to, but don't give way to others? expect others to behave in a certain way, or say in a certain way, but don't do that herself/himself?

take things from others without asking, but don't lend hers/his to others? giving the reason that others don't lend things to her/him when s/he asks? (bullshit)

give others the black face whenever s/he feels crappy, and expects everyone to understand, but don't take crap from anyone cos they are feeling lousy?

thinks s/he is right the whole time, and that s/he is sooo smart?

anyone's tastes that differs from him/her, means they're distasteful? says s/he don't judge people, treats everyone equally, but don't respect their own choices or tastes?

tells people off when they aren't tidy, when s/he isn't her/himself?

SHE is the bitchiest selfish person i have ever known.

and i've yet to finish ranting even!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ASS!!

although you were really late yesterday, and prolly could have more time together, we still all had a little of your precious hours on your birthday. and although you have algae hair now, we still all love you. i know what you look like now, Mr Potato's wife! or what do you call them? those stuffs which grow weeds as their hair? haw haw..

went to Mind Cafe with Ass & Kay, and had a very good time. i somehow, almost felt that i'm back at secondary school days again. with them, and those boardgames. i think i can be quite a detective. cluedo is fun!! maybe i can sideline as a PI.

by the way, i dreamt of you two girls, Kay & Ass. remembered only figments of it: TV game, flood, Kay cutting her long hair into a very weird and short hairdo, and somehow she had a oval face initially, but gotten really frail and thin cos of a failed relationship, and Ass and I were counselling her.

weird.

hope we can meet again soon lo.

it's 2006 and the kids are back to school. hooray.

about time too.

about time it stopped raining too!!

anyway, i and JX saw some kids in their school uniform and i was asking, "what school is that?" thinking that there seemed to have more schools cos school uniforms are no longer monotone or dual-toned. but checkered. and we deduced that it's because of the colours that are more presentable have already been already used by the existing schools.

i started coming up with school uniforms with the oddest and quirkiest and ugliest colours. like... purple and lime-green, purple with yellowish-brown. hm, seems like i've something against purple. there aren't any uniforms that are pinky, right?

then i realized, there are no schools with black uniforms. how come?

JX: "too hot," (i guess he meant that literally)
Me: "but it's not like as if they stand under the hot sun the whole time? classrooms are mostly air-conditioned some more... won't it be really cool if the school only allows girls to wear really really short skirts and tight blouses, and the boys to wear hot pants and tight singlets? haha..."
JX: "... yeah yeah, and the prerequisite for the admission to the school would be a C cup and above for the girls, and 22 inches for the circumference of the boys' biceps."
Me: "ya!!"
JX: "teacher: what's 1+1?'
class: 'THREEEEEEEE!!!!' (gleefully and stupidly)
...all bimbos and himbos."
Me: "that'll be easy for the teachers. haiya, i initially thought it'll be cool cos it'll be like some triad ma..."

and then i was like going, how come the Japanese schoolgirls can wear their skirts that short, when the schools there are damn strict too? and it's obviously more chilly there than here. sudden puberty does not allow skirts that short in Singapore. the headmistress or headmaster will make you buy a new set of uniform if the skirts are more than 3cm above your knees.

but again, i think Kay's secondary school uniform had gotten much shorter than 3cm right. ultimately at secondary 4. hahaha.. like from a nerdy midget to a leggy slut. in the span of 4 years.

i'm so bored, i hope i land a job soon. heck, land an interview soon.

going to Shanghai in 20 days. not really looking forward to it. i bet that i will be freezing to death there. i can't even stand the rainy season in Singapore. hate it when my toes are frozen and my arms are cold from the drafts of wind. it's like, i rather hibernate.

and i hate Chinese New Year songs that are playing EVERYWHERE now!!! argh. far from any CNY festive mood! how can anyone want to celebrate or be out at Chinatown shopping in such a weather! and with every shop (yes, in Orchard Road even) clamouring to have their own CNY songs to be heard, i got one big bang of a headache. ooo, all the cymbals clashing, all the shrill erhu screeches. and the c.r.o.w.d.. cos of the bloody rain. and everyone got to come indoors.

wrong time to go anywhere now.