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When I replied that i was going home to sleep or watch tv, to whoever who asked me where I was going after work since it's going to be a long weekend, they smiled sadly and said, "That's how things are once you start work. Sad, right?"........that sounds like an implication that I do not have a life, or that I have a very sad mundane life. Okay, I don't deny that actually, it's rather sad. Not much time for anything else. Heck, I can almost forget that my birthday is arriving soon, till my mom suggested something for my birthday present. I was thinking, "Huh? My birthday present?" and then.. I feel old and now, I don't find it disbelieving that people actually do forget their own birthdays because they're too caught up with other matters in their lives, their work. I normally would have been counting down to it. But now... Maybe I'm getting too old (and busy), and have started evading candles, subconsciously.
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I feel ashamed, that being a Chinese, I only can sputter Chinese, marginally coherent in my speech. This is embarrasing. Although I feel bad that I can't speak Cantonese really well even though I understand it and can vomit coherent phrases from time to time, it's somehow worse for not being able to speak fluently in Chinese. Because I had actually studied Chinese?!But what the hell, I was at work when I was speaking to a kind uncle who can only speak Chinese and Hokkien (forget Hokkien, when I can't even handle my own dialect) over the phone, I was sputtering in my Chinese so bad, I found myself hilarious. The kind uncle was very patient with my slow, broken sentences. It's like, I threw the key words out at him, and he listened patiently, while filling in the blanks himself. In the end, he understood what I was trying to get to him, and he was so thankful that I got to him, and apologetic that I need to call so many times regarding this event. While inside of me, I was thankful that he was being so kind and patient towards me! ...I yearn, to improve my CHINESE!!!
I've been listening to some Chinese songs for now. But I doubt that helps, cos... I didn't understand a single shit what the singers are yodelling. Even if I could decipher what they were singing, or that I manage to hit a website with the Chinese lyrics to the songs, I vaguely understand what they mean while ponder what they mean when the words are strung together. On more sophisticated songs, really picturesque ones, like Jay Chou's ones, I can hardly understand the songs off-ear.
This is so sad. My mom asked me to go read Chinese books and I stared at her blankly. I do not even have time for English books, books that I will love to read, will I have the time to pore over books which I have to guess about its contents even after I read the book? But if I don't read Chinese books, how the heck am I going to improve my Chinese? So I try to speak Chinese more often now.
Try.
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