Scars serve us all as Reminders.

Friends and family who have witnessed the ordeal I went through last year knew how all the marks on my body came about. Battle scars, I proclaimed them proudly. And what could I have asked for more, frankly? I have made it through all that.

“They are just ultimately superficial problems. What’s important you’re all up and well! And your face is perfectly fine!! How lucky you are.” They consoled me.

I am fine actually. In fact, they didn’t matter all that much to me. They of course did, when the rashes were in its full glory. Antibiotics rash was no joke. You itch from morning to night and night to morning, you itch everywhere (but your face) and when you scratch, the itchier it becomes. My skin had broken out into many red spots and bumps. And then hives (So, yes, I am the Born Loser). Itch, on top of Itch. The itch wakes you up from your slumber and the more you scratch, the more awake you become and you suddenly go into a scratching frenzy. Mommy had to hold me down a few nights because I was going berserk from writhing about trying to scratch the hard-to-reach areas, typically the middle of the back. The itch was unbearable and I really wondered then if it would ever ever stop itching.

It finally did, but the marks remained. The marks slowly darkened and they were nothing like scabs which could be seen clearly from the surface of the skin. These marks look like little bruises, coming from within.

But I was all cheerful about the entire situation then. I survived, and my health checkups were looking great, I have my loved ones all around me. I was getting well.

When I return to work, at times I wore sleeveless tops. I did, and still do (despite that the rash marks have lightened up a fair bit) get stares and 2nd glances from strangers. Probably thinking how I got the marks and why I was wearing a sleeveless top when I was supposed to be covering up.

I didn’t felt that it was necessary. Whatever others may think, I’ll let them be. I don’t know them; neither did they know what I had gone through.

But at times, and lately, I have been getting a lot of queries and looks from strangers. Especially when I am alone. The marks haven’t lightened considerably as I thought, after all. I get a little bewildered at times, at times taken aback by the directness, sometimes, offended. I’ll be lying to say that I wasn’t affected one bit there and then. And so I tend to show less skin – t-shirts and shorts, I even consider twice now.

Confrontational Queries will happen as follows:

I walked into a clothing store. The salesgirl chirruped cheerfully, “Welcome to XXX!” But I saw her just staring at my arms and not lifting her gaze to my face. Her expression was not too pleasant, suddenly, I thought. Made me feel like I had some transmittable skin disease. Of course, I just left the shop without looking at anything.

On a different day, I walked into another store, browsing about. The salesgirl, a friendly lady, came over and then asked me if I was cold, and then grabbed my upper arm with both her hands - before I could answer “No...” She then removed her hands and said I looked like I was cold because of the pigmentation of my skin. And that my skin did feel cold. I revealed to her that they were marks left behind by antibiotics rashes. Shortly after, she scurried away while I got on with my browsing.

Some time back, I was waiting for my turn to order a bowl of noodles at a hawker centre. The hawker at the next stall peered at me and asked me if the marks were chicken pox scars. Amused, I shook my head. She told me to use aloe vera to smear on myself and then nodded convincingly and knowingly. I never did try that.

Another time, an uncle in his 50s(?) asked me directly, “What happened to your...?” while making gestures at his upper arms. I was taken aback by that directness. I stuttered a little before revealing the entire situation, but really....! How blunt can one get?

I think these encounters have made me a little more conscious.

I asked JX, “Would you mind if these marks are stuck with me forever?”

JX’s responded innocently, “You mean, they will go away?”

-_-