There were so many things that had happened in between the last post and this one. I just thought that I should, you know, put them down, because they will be worth a read many many years down the road. Not that I will ever forget anyway.
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In summary:
Fainting spells. Old woman praying for me. Her ointment. JX worried like mad. Clinic. Referred to hospital. Weird results. Admitted. Pricked. Tears of pain and helplessness. Tired night. Woke up to a X-ray scan. Bathed. With a drip. Nurse and needle. Fell into fits. Passed out.
A week passed. Drifted in and out. Consciousness. ICU. Dull shock. Stiff and slow. Bloat. Pain. Blood. Dialysis. Helplessness. Gritting in pain. Breathlessness. Fear. Of the dark and being alone. Beeping machines. Cords. Pills. Checking nurses. Warm smiles. Family. Friends. Insomnia. Uncomfortable pillow. Cold nights. Fever. Doctors in the morning. Flowers. JX everyday. Everyone looks tired. Daddy everyday. JX holding my hands. Comfort. Making my first ardous step. Slow. Unsteady. Heavy. Happiness. Sitting up in a chair. Finally water. Finally food. Lime sherbet. No food and water again. Food and water. Teaspoons of water. Porridge.
Normal ward. Exasperation sets in. Tears of helplessness. Despair. Torturous slow trips to the toilet. Encouragement. Depression. Low. Needles. Falling hair. Bloated weight 65kg. Inconsiderate neighbouring patient. No appetite. Soup with rice. Fever. Stiff neck and back. Pain. MRI scans. Sleepless feverish nights. Cold, hot. Weight plummeted. 50kg. Looking forward to JX every night after his work. Fever. Last day. Fever subsided. Happiness. Stepping out. Cab. Tears of joy when I see my home. Familiarity.
Weak. Rashes. Itch. Weight dropped to 46kg (or less?). Stick-thin. Butt-less. Cushions wherever I sit. Laughing at the Mocca guy. Computer games. Afternoon naps. Telephone calls. Introduction to FB. JX everyday. Sleeping with Mom every night. Bird's nest. Itch. Calamine lotion. Hives. Tiger balm. Walk to the park. Slow. Waking up from itch. Going out with JX and family. Happiness. Eating out. Itch subsided. Marks. Finally working. Back to my life how I used to live. Minus the gyming.
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How I got through all that, I don't know. I didn't have much of a choice but to just grit and bear it. I am lucky. To have been able to come out of it unscathed. It could have been a lot worse. An unfortunate thing, but I have learnt to count my blessings. To have Shilin, Kum, JX and my family. And my friends from MT... Being all there for me to prop me up when I lost it completely and threw myself in despair because I was too anxious to get well, yet I didn't see any turn for the better. My experience - fearful and painful. But what my friends, JX and my family went through... I would not be able to fathom. The fear of losing me forever, the fear of me being reliant on machines for survival even if I pulled through, their anxiousness, their fears completely different from mine. I was unconsciousness where I presumbly suffered the most pain. But they were there to witness everything. Am I lucky to be in my shoes than theirs?
Friends asked me how do I feel then, what were my thoughts, having had such a close shave with death. There weren't much actually. I just want to live. I just feel, if my life was really snuffed out at age 24, it was all too a waste. What have I done to have really live? There are so many things that I have set out to do, but haven't got down to any yet.
But really, take it easy... I slog because I want to do well in my career. And I probably went overboard in MT. Those days, were spent without my family, not so much with JX, not so much with my friends. But what's the point? You need money to survive but nothing else really matters, except to have your life, and people who love you. Ultimately.. they're the most basic things that matter. But are often, sadly, taken for granted till it's too late. I am fortunate in this sense, to have a 2nd chance to make it right. Not many can.
Therefore the need to pen this down. I am fearful that a few years down the road, will wash down this chapter, desensitise myself and neglecting myself and loved ones because of my pursuit in recognition in my career.
Shilin and Kumeri> I love you girls... You cheered me up tremendously each time you two popped into my ward. You're my bestest pals. Donating blood even when Kum is underweight (being insistent and all) and Shilin being needle/pain-phobic. I can't express how touched I am. -hug-
JX> My dear, you are my pillar of support. It must be really difficult for you. To stay strong and taking care of me day and night when I was away in outer space, although you were crumbling inside. For the pain that you have gone through, I am so sorry. I know I mean the world to you. I love you baby. For staying by me. For not minding how I look, how I may be affected in any way after this episode. For loving me the way you do. -hug- You sure earned a lot of brownie points with my family and friends. Isn't the best way to introduce our families to each other, but well, it saved some initial embarassment, didn't it? Your parents took pains to visit me each night as well. Giving me encouragement and showing concern... I am grateful. For the countless kiwis too.
Mum, Dad> For taking care of their girl who was reduced to being a bag of potatoes on bed, thank you Mummy, Daddy. I wouldn't know the impact of having to hear that your child may be lost forever, but it must be really hard and painful. Physically and emotionally, I know you were really stretched. I have said so in the hospital, I say it now, I am sorry...
Jo> We drifted apart, and weren't on the best terms that sisters can be. But I saw you, sad, concerned and reassuring. Probably your gentlest times with me. We got closer. And you said, that through this, you realised the contemplation of losing me forever came with a heavy impact. I am grateful for the comforting words that you reassured... Made me feel so much better about myself.
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I am blessed, actually.
---------------------------------------------------------
In summary:
Fainting spells. Old woman praying for me. Her ointment. JX worried like mad. Clinic. Referred to hospital. Weird results. Admitted. Pricked. Tears of pain and helplessness. Tired night. Woke up to a X-ray scan. Bathed. With a drip. Nurse and needle. Fell into fits. Passed out.
A week passed. Drifted in and out. Consciousness. ICU. Dull shock. Stiff and slow. Bloat. Pain. Blood. Dialysis. Helplessness. Gritting in pain. Breathlessness. Fear. Of the dark and being alone. Beeping machines. Cords. Pills. Checking nurses. Warm smiles. Family. Friends. Insomnia. Uncomfortable pillow. Cold nights. Fever. Doctors in the morning. Flowers. JX everyday. Everyone looks tired. Daddy everyday. JX holding my hands. Comfort. Making my first ardous step. Slow. Unsteady. Heavy. Happiness. Sitting up in a chair. Finally water. Finally food. Lime sherbet. No food and water again. Food and water. Teaspoons of water. Porridge.
Normal ward. Exasperation sets in. Tears of helplessness. Despair. Torturous slow trips to the toilet. Encouragement. Depression. Low. Needles. Falling hair. Bloated weight 65kg. Inconsiderate neighbouring patient. No appetite. Soup with rice. Fever. Stiff neck and back. Pain. MRI scans. Sleepless feverish nights. Cold, hot. Weight plummeted. 50kg. Looking forward to JX every night after his work. Fever. Last day. Fever subsided. Happiness. Stepping out. Cab. Tears of joy when I see my home. Familiarity.
Weak. Rashes. Itch. Weight dropped to 46kg (or less?). Stick-thin. Butt-less. Cushions wherever I sit. Laughing at the Mocca guy. Computer games. Afternoon naps. Telephone calls. Introduction to FB. JX everyday. Sleeping with Mom every night. Bird's nest. Itch. Calamine lotion. Hives. Tiger balm. Walk to the park. Slow. Waking up from itch. Going out with JX and family. Happiness. Eating out. Itch subsided. Marks. Finally working. Back to my life how I used to live. Minus the gyming.
---------------------------------------------------------
How I got through all that, I don't know. I didn't have much of a choice but to just grit and bear it. I am lucky. To have been able to come out of it unscathed. It could have been a lot worse. An unfortunate thing, but I have learnt to count my blessings. To have Shilin, Kum, JX and my family. And my friends from MT... Being all there for me to prop me up when I lost it completely and threw myself in despair because I was too anxious to get well, yet I didn't see any turn for the better. My experience - fearful and painful. But what my friends, JX and my family went through... I would not be able to fathom. The fear of losing me forever, the fear of me being reliant on machines for survival even if I pulled through, their anxiousness, their fears completely different from mine. I was unconsciousness where I presumbly suffered the most pain. But they were there to witness everything. Am I lucky to be in my shoes than theirs?
Friends asked me how do I feel then, what were my thoughts, having had such a close shave with death. There weren't much actually. I just want to live. I just feel, if my life was really snuffed out at age 24, it was all too a waste. What have I done to have really live? There are so many things that I have set out to do, but haven't got down to any yet.
But really, take it easy... I slog because I want to do well in my career. And I probably went overboard in MT. Those days, were spent without my family, not so much with JX, not so much with my friends. But what's the point? You need money to survive but nothing else really matters, except to have your life, and people who love you. Ultimately.. they're the most basic things that matter. But are often, sadly, taken for granted till it's too late. I am fortunate in this sense, to have a 2nd chance to make it right. Not many can.
Therefore the need to pen this down. I am fearful that a few years down the road, will wash down this chapter, desensitise myself and neglecting myself and loved ones because of my pursuit in recognition in my career.
Shilin and Kumeri> I love you girls... You cheered me up tremendously each time you two popped into my ward. You're my bestest pals. Donating blood even when Kum is underweight (being insistent and all) and Shilin being needle/pain-phobic. I can't express how touched I am. -hug-
JX> My dear, you are my pillar of support. It must be really difficult for you. To stay strong and taking care of me day and night when I was away in outer space, although you were crumbling inside. For the pain that you have gone through, I am so sorry. I know I mean the world to you. I love you baby. For staying by me. For not minding how I look, how I may be affected in any way after this episode. For loving me the way you do. -hug- You sure earned a lot of brownie points with my family and friends. Isn't the best way to introduce our families to each other, but well, it saved some initial embarassment, didn't it? Your parents took pains to visit me each night as well. Giving me encouragement and showing concern... I am grateful. For the countless kiwis too.
Mum, Dad> For taking care of their girl who was reduced to being a bag of potatoes on bed, thank you Mummy, Daddy. I wouldn't know the impact of having to hear that your child may be lost forever, but it must be really hard and painful. Physically and emotionally, I know you were really stretched. I have said so in the hospital, I say it now, I am sorry...
Jo> We drifted apart, and weren't on the best terms that sisters can be. But I saw you, sad, concerned and reassuring. Probably your gentlest times with me. We got closer. And you said, that through this, you realised the contemplation of losing me forever came with a heavy impact. I am grateful for the comforting words that you reassured... Made me feel so much better about myself.
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I am blessed, actually.
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