Was pissed off at work some time back and I was blabbering at top speed to almost anyone how unhappy and indignant I was. Till the point that I find it a little pointless to say it out on blog right now.

But boy, am I pissed. I was kinda glad though - I found out that, in fact, I wasn't the sole person feeling that way to that particular idiot. And so a bunch of us were happily bringing The Housefly down during lunch times, and any one time that he came buzzing around us irritatingly for no particular reason. Somehow, bonding occurs when we have a common enemy. Wahaha.

Grrr...

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I've watched Take the Lead! And woooah... I wish I can dance that well, man!!!!!! But erm, I also wished I can do Muay Thai Boxing when I watched this particular Thai show. And I'd also wished that I can do Kungfu when I watched Charlie's Angels. And that I have extraordinary supernatural powers when I watched X-Men. Or that I can surf like a pro when I watched Blue Crush. So...... ignore me.

Nice soundtracks though. Makes me wanna daaaance...!!

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A colleague just left us. I felt really sad, even though I'd known her only for about 3 months. Prolly the reason being that she's one of the lunch kakis of mine, and that she's really nice. And also, that she sits behind me, and when she leaves, someone new is going to take her place. :(

Oh well... greener pastures beckons. So the cows on the yellower side have to let this cow happily go to the juicier grass.

So sad. Mooo...

Sometimes I think, is this really what I really want to be doing in the future? Am I going to be stuck at what I am primarily doing, will I have a chance to venture some more?

Thinking about the future sucks. And there isn't really much of a point cos you don't ever get answers.

Suicidal Thoughts

I remember, having talking about suicidal methods which one can take with my friends. I don't know why I suddenly thought about that topic. We talked about the pain factor, aesthetics factor, fun (before you die) factor...

1) Slitting of wrists: It's messy, and of course it hurts. You see and feel blood spurting out from your cut wrists, like water fountains. Unlike TV shows, blood don't trickle, if you really intent on killing yourself. It's often, very grostesque and messy. And painful.

2) Jumping down from anywhere really tall: The thrill factor will be there, before you hit the ground. But once you wham your face into the ground, it'll be really messy and ugly. Every bone will be shattered. And on the way down, steer clear of all objects to maximise thrill factor and minimise pain factor. There's one case that a person was decapitated because his/her head hit the paraquet so hard, that the head broke off the body. So that the body lay below the building but the head was on some floors above at the corridor. And it better be somewhere really tall and can, for sure, kill you, once and for all. It's worse when you become paralysed, when you all the more want to kill yourself, but find yourself, all helpless and unable to move at all to bring a knife to your throat.

3) Downing sleeping pills / detergent: Sleeping pills would prolly be a quieter way to go away than detergent. But both can result in serious bouts of vomitting which can be really painful. You start foaming at the mouth, while your stomach is churning and trying its very best to dispel the poison and toxic. You die smelly and foaming and prolly blue from choking on your own vomit.

4) Drowning: It's a painful and slow way to kill yourself. You struggle and kick at nothing, your lungs burning for air; suffocation is a horrible lonely feeling. It's not aesthetical either, your body will bloat up and turn greyish-blue.

5) Gassing: My friends and I once thought that gassing yourself seems the quietest and painless and most aesthetical way to go. You'll die with a pink glow on your face, and most of the times, you won't feel suffocated because you will die in your sleep. But you risk being blown up, once there's an electric spark the whole house will be blown up. And you risk having other innocent people being injured or killed too in your quest of killing yourself.

6) Hanging: Like drowning, suffocation. And you will look horrible. I was told, before that the tongue will hang out of the mouth, and because you struggle so much and kicking blindly at air, you may shit or pee in your pants.

7) Setting one self on fire: Pain, and of course, you will not be recognized. If you manage to find a place to really burn yourself up without anyone stopping you. And of course, you risk setting up the whole place on fire, which may also injure innocent people.

8) Stabbing one self: Pain pain pain.

9) Shooting self with gun: (let's not talk how you get the gun in the first place) At the head, your brains will fly out and splatter on the wall. And half your head will be blown off. Not pretty. If you shoot yourself in the throat, your head will be lolling off by sheer skin and some shreds of muscles. Very unpretty. If you attempt to shoot yourself at your chest, you may not die so quickly. You will most prolly die from internal bleeding and drowning from your own blood. See 4) Drowning.

There's no way that you can kill yourself, painlessly, beautifully, and without having anyone risking being hurt also. I was thinking whether stuffing one self with Milo powder can achieve that, or not. I love Milo.

But I thought also, people who are determined to kill themselves, will not really think of consequences, or how they'll look like after they die, or the pain... The pain that they are going through in their lives, must be tremendous to make them want to take their lives. People say that committing suicide is a selfish act. I don't deny that, do they think of the people who care for them, who love them...? They prolly thought that ending their lives will be tantamount to ending all troubles. Their own troubles. But they didn't think how devastated how sad their families and friends will be with their absence.

Committing suicide is a crime, you know? Your body will be handcuffed and taken away. And your body will also be caned.

Rain rain rain! What's so good about having a holiday, when the weather's so damn bad and you pratically can't go anywhere! So damn depressing.

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When I replied that i was going home to sleep or watch tv, to whoever who asked me where I was going after work since it's going to be a long weekend, they smiled sadly and said, "That's how things are once you start work. Sad, right?"

........that sounds like an implication that I do not have a life, or that I have a very sad mundane life. Okay, I don't deny that actually, it's rather sad. Not much time for anything else. Heck, I can almost forget that my birthday is arriving soon, till my mom suggested something for my birthday present. I was thinking, "Huh? My birthday present?" and then.. I feel old and now, I don't find it disbelieving that people actually do forget their own birthdays because they're too caught up with other matters in their lives, their work. I normally would have been counting down to it. But now... Maybe I'm getting too old (and busy), and have started evading candles, subconsciously.

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I feel ashamed, that being a Chinese, I only can sputter Chinese, marginally coherent in my speech. This is embarrasing. Although I feel bad that I can't speak Cantonese really well even though I understand it and can vomit coherent phrases from time to time, it's somehow worse for not being able to speak fluently in Chinese. Because I had actually studied Chinese?!

But what the hell, I was at work when I was speaking to a kind uncle who can only speak Chinese and Hokkien (forget Hokkien, when I can't even handle my own dialect) over the phone, I was sputtering in my Chinese so bad, I found myself hilarious. The kind uncle was very patient with my slow, broken sentences. It's like, I threw the key words out at him, and he listened patiently, while filling in the blanks himself. In the end, he understood what I was trying to get to him, and he was so thankful that I got to him, and apologetic that I need to call so many times regarding this event. While inside of me, I was thankful that he was being so kind and patient towards me! ...I yearn, to improve my CHINESE!!!

I've been listening to some Chinese songs for now. But I doubt that helps, cos... I didn't understand a single shit what the singers are yodelling. Even if I could decipher what they were singing, or that I manage to hit a website with the Chinese lyrics to the songs, I vaguely understand what they mean while ponder what they mean when the words are strung together. On more sophisticated songs, really picturesque ones, like Jay Chou's ones, I can hardly understand the songs off-ear.

This is so sad. My mom asked me to go read Chinese books and I stared at her blankly. I do not even have time for English books, books that I will love to read, will I have the time to pore over books which I have to guess about its contents even after I read the book? But if I don't read Chinese books, how the heck am I going to improve my Chinese? So I try to speak Chinese more often now.

Try.

home from being sick...

was feeling really horrid last night.. my bones were aching and felt like they were going to scatter, just don't know what is holding them together.

prolly i was already going to be sick for a while already. have been feeling tired and listless. and on saturday, i slept at 7 sth in the evening and woke up with a start at 12.30AM.. shortly went back to sleep till next morning 8.30AM. ... that's more than 12 hours of sleep. non-stop. and on the car to my grandpa's grave at lim chu kang, i knocked out too. my parents were amazed.

and then i got sick la.

and i wanted to go to work actually.. cos today's the day my boss returned from her leave. like, not really nice right.. i remembered once when i asked for leave when she returned from a busienss trip, and she said i was trying to rebel or go on strike or what, to apply for leave only when she returns..

and there are things to be done. haiya haiya..

so bored at home.. time is passing so slowly man!!

when i was at the clinic's this morning.. i was taken aback by the people queueing to see the doctor. is it the bad weather these days that caused everyone to be sick.. or is it Monday?

and i sat sullenly in the clinic trying hard to not doze off.

doctor was zippy and in cut-the-chase mode. not surprising. when i was done it was almost 1pm and i doubted she had her lunch and there are still people waiting outside.

and it's only 3pm only.. wa..

zzz..

okay, being good prolly pays off.

my wallet managed to find its way back to my house.

THERE ARE GOOD PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD!!!

a pregnant lady came to my house doorstep, and stuck her hand through our door gate and was brandishing my wallet at us. all being bewildered and surprised by her sudden presence, we stared blankly at her. then it hit me, HEEEY...!! THAT'S MY WALLET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

of course, the money is all gone, when the lady found it. she picked it up at.... toa payoh. when i lost it in town. everything's in place, but notes and coins even, are gone. haiya, 20 bucks, let them take.

i'm so thankful.. i was prancing and dancing about in circles in my living room with my wallet, i forgot to erm, reward the pregnant lady and her husband. or even invite them in for a drink or something like that. i just went chanting "thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou" while leaping around.

at least i needn't pay that 100 bucks for my IC. yipee!!!!
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tried to catch the korean show Da Chang Jin every night. it's like a cook show, but i don't know why, i'm kinda hooked. the show is basically about this smart girl (with a a lot of luck), who's actually a scientist in disguise, playing around with food. she's supposedly to be young, but looks quite old. but that's beside the point.

but i'm like really tired cos i'm trying to catch the show. and barely had 6 hours of sleep each day. i don't know how i survived 4 or 5 hours each night when i was schooling. man, i'm getting old. damn.

work.. i don't know what to say. every work has its own problems la huh... and it's always tough, no matter where. too little work, complain; too much work; also complain. it's even tougher when young people (did i just mention that i was getting old?) come out to look for work. tough, but so? grit your teeth and move on lo. it'll pass, eventually - before you know it. then, prolly, you'll get used to it...?