NOTHING goes right. Not even walking to the bus stop. Got my bloody heels stuck in crevices twice in the morning. Once - falling into the gap between the lift and the landing. Like, how narrow is that gap. Damn it…And having constipation, again. Shitting becomes a painful pleasure.

I want a new job for Christmas. Or better, a new boss and better pay. That’ll suffice.

I watched Crossroads last night, reminiscing the better days of Britney Spears. It wasn't too good of reminiscing though. I remember cringing, wincing, and convulsing ultimately as the show goes on with non-stop commercials. I couldn't tear myself away from the tube no matter how turnoff the show was. Weird. It is like some warped connection in me - the more I should have moved away to stop disgusting myself, the more I want to stay put and see how bad it could get. It's a sort of an amusement. It's sad, that I spent my Saturday night raising my goosebumps for a good one and a half hour.

There were bouts of screams and yelps too, with "Oh my god" (because the show meant to say that she was a singer, and a good one to add. And singing her *pause* (and N'Sync's) songs for promotion. And she sounds awfully nasal.) punctuated every now and then through the show. It was really quite fun actually. Nacho Libre was a goddamn lousy low-budget show, but it surely didn't illicit such feelings from its viewers.

It's quite sad actually, to see Britney-then and comparing her to Britney-now. She wasn't really that hot in the movie, but at least, she's not in "perpetual pighood". Look at her now... (dismal)

Oh my. She serves as a reminder to me to upkeep my looks even when I become a mother. It's really quite sad to see the big slide. She used to be hot and a sex siren, for goodness sake. Actually... it wouldn't be as bad, if she just donned a T-shirt and jeans on her fugly days.

I wonder when is she going to clean up.

I don't feel good at all. Because it is not my day.

It is not my day, because responsibilities have piled on at work, my boss is returning to work tomorrow (which means more work), I felt bullied that everyone comes to me for everything, my shoulders ached like mad, I was really tired and kept zoning out, and my desk was in an entire mess. And I felt let down by a friend - attitude-wise, behavioural-wise.

In fact, towards the end, I was damn pissed.

Why the hell should I care about anything at all?

"I don't know." "I don't care." Damn it. I should learn to say these things more often. But argh, how to not care??? Isn't there an urge, or a tug inside you, to want to care? Something called responsibility? Oh ya. I doubt these people who can utter such words think that they are responsible for anything that goes wrong.

Or, people just get jaded. Because, they have went through this too. Again and again. And then, ultimately, there isn't just any point in getting upset. You end up, saying "I don't know." "I don't care.", just like the people you despise. Becoming one of those people you rant about during lunch hours to your close colleagues. I needn't learn it?

I need my sleep.

They say that a working life changes a person? I know why now. It's happening to me as well.

When my buddy told me that she has accidentally rebonded her hair, I was... appalled that she did so. But seriously, it's not at all impossible. I had, to my dismay, had encountered such situations before. Hair change disasters.

And I thought, "Oh no. Rebonded hair. On Kay's head. When she has such beautiful, full, wavy hair before!"

I did seriously think that it's going to be quite horrible. Picturing Kay with stiff rod-like hair sticking out of her poor head and all. Stiff hay that stuck out at her head behind her should there be any gust of wind.

Rebonded hair, is the hairstyle that I absolutely abhor. Linking the hairstyle to ah-lians with sharp-end combs sticking out of their pockets, and Fann Wong, isn't really that all good.

And worse still, if you have natural curly hair. And that's why... I really wonder how awful can Kay look with her new hairdo.

But surprisingly, it looks good!

At least the hairdresser didn't fry your hair, Kay. You look nice and er, femininely sexy? Like an indian ah-lian. Which I think is not that at all fugly.

But I suggest that you start saving up some money and do something about the curly roots once they start to show. Fry them if you have to. At least they'll look consistently fried.

Straight-then-curly hair: Acceptable.
Curly-then-straight hair: Unacceptable, not even if you're Christina Aguilera on her wildest days. Period.

Oh no. Ashlee Simpson is getting prettier than her more popular sister. After her nose job.

Or rather, Jessica is getting uglier. And somewhat, ghostly. But again, I never really thought of her as being pretty. She's square-faced and pouts too much, and her eyes looked.. stunned.

Not stunning.

Ah whatever.

I have been groaning the entire day today. So much that I want to slap myself.

"Go HOME!", a little voice in me screeched.

"You just took 2 days' leave last week, remember? And you have so much things to dooooooooooo...................." ...this overpowering voice drowned the little one.

I want to listen to the little voice though. :(

Wehh wehh wehhhhhhhhhhh...

Anyways, friends who are concerned about me after my second dreaded treatment for my back problem - I'm fine. Just bruised on the right of my body - but I was not disfigured. :) Everything's not so bad actually. Not as bad as the first time, cos prolly I didn't expect it the first time round? But this time, they whacked me with a plastic shaped bone cushioned with pink furry cover. Oh, and I was supposed to just grit it as they beat the rhythm out of me.

Don't have orh cheh 才怪.

They even pressed hard into the side of my right boob like they're going to break my rib bone. But yah, I got over that.

It's still rather manageable actually, save for the few times I yelped and screeched for my life as I writhed like a snake on the massage bed.

Really.

Yes, that is my sister - someone whom I can totally hate to the core that I can tear and scream the whole house down, but yet, someone I can hold (somewhat) close to my heart. Afterall, we'd grown up together. And afterall, she can be quite nice, at times.

Don't grow too accustomed to her nice cutesy ways though. (Ya, she can look harmless in that picture - ruffled curls on the side of her head, thick bangs, toothy grin and a cocked-to-the-side head. Wait till she reincarnates to be your sister.)

She can mew piteously on her bed like an abandoned cat sometimes. (I do that too but less often, so it shouldn't be too eccentric.) And then, she'll ask me to "sayang" her. But can suddenly beat me. If she's a cat, she's a crazy one which hasn't got hooked up with any tabby cats after howling a few weeks into mating season.

And then, she'll suddenly turn around to be a cute kitty, purring under her breath, snuggling under her covers.

If you ask me? It's 2 cat spirits at work.

Things are looking up for the both of us - weirdly. I never thought that things could return to how things were used to be. But I remember. Her demonic ways.

But I'm no angel either.

But she greets me cheerfully now when I return home from work every night, which is something I have to get used to. Or maybe better not. If nasty her surfaces, at least I won't be too surprised.

One thing that touched me though - she bugged me for this picture when we first took it last Saturday. And when I finally sent it over, she popped it straight up as her MSN picture, with her nick's message as "With Sis at last". Something tugged at my chest when I saw that.

She's alright, actually - while she's mewing away; till she starts snarling.

My new 'do!

Eh heh heh. Back to my secondary school days. Kay & Ass, do I still look as young and innocent then? Hm???

Never mind if I don't.

But anyways, I and JX went to Pulau Ubin over Sunday and Monday.

Taking a 20-25 minutes ferry ride, we entertained ourselves with the camera. And, we discovered JX has an innate ability - similar to Xiaxue's. The pictures speak for themselves -

We mainly just cycled our way around the teeny island, feeding the mosquitos, while laughing breathlessly at ourselves as we shifted our butts left and right on the bike seats while we cycled up steep slopes.

Needless to say, our butts hurt.

And we definitely lacked the stamina compared to a year back. In no time, we were cycling towards the coconut stalls. Ahh. Cold quenching coconut drink - with silken soft translucent white meat. Darn, salivating as I typed this out.

Yes, we are that greedy. Each of us had 4 - it was a trip on tight budget and we can only have coconuts on this island. Although we felt like puking at the end of it all.

Ahh.. The fleshy white meat! So smooth that I can scoop it up in one swoop! Yum!

I don't really like swamps. They're murky and dark and scary. And Pulau Ubin has swamps everywhere. But, lo and behold - a quarry. A man-made feature, but something that I can imagine some Chinese Wushu heros flying around and bouncing off the walls. Oh ya, it's beautiful. Look:

Oops, you can't see the vertical walls surrounding the quarry but it looks outta Singapore atleast. And actually, we kinda trespassed into it. We went through some hole in the fence and trekked up some mini paths while dodging weird and dangerous looking leaves.

In no time, the stay at Pulau Ubin is over - and everything's back in place. Mundane lifestyle, paper work day in day out. Looking forward to lunches, and then looking foward to getting off work... It's sad, isn't it?

Ahh... I can't wait for the next holiday!!!

"You shit rocks. You're not human!", my sister stated, somewhat amused, as she sauntered out of the toilet that I had let out a bomb not too long ago.

"Oops. They weren't flushed away?"

She shook her head, "They are rocks."

-sob- Rocks. Not pellets, not pebbles. Rocks.

It's not as if I have constipation now, you know. I have the urge strong enough to bomb up the toilet every once a day or two. But... I am starting to fear having to go to poop. Hey, shitting rocks HURT!

And it's not like I abhor fruits and vegetables. I eat them more than meat! I drink water too. How envious am I of those people, who found the food/action which will loosen their bowels and make them shit effortlessly. Bananas, papayas, breakfasts even, another is to expose her belly to wind or the fan, and she'll get the runs the next morning.

They don't work on me though. And let's not talk about food that had gone bad. That's different.

So... I bought laxatives. I saw enema on the shelves - those that you gotta stick into your arse. I looked at the instructions drily, which showed a picture of a man lying on his side with his upper leg brought forward 90 degrees. A full view of the arsehole for the enema to poke in. Ouch.

No thank you. My arse is already sore from the rocks that have to pass through. I don't need more irritation from something that goes the opposite direction.

I moved onto the laxatives - brown bottles of liquids, and boxes of pills. Uh... I don't really know what's the difference. ButI took one bottle of liquid which proclaimed loudly to help constipation (even though I do not have that problem) and which looked kinda... poisonous.

And so... it sits on my desk right now. But I dare not consume it. How bad will the runs be? Will I be running to the toilet every hour? Or... do I have to be home the whole day before I consume the laxatives? If I get the urge, will the urge be so bad that I have to go immediately or else it'll splatter within my underpants?

And of course, it'll be stupid to consume that when I am going to turn in for the day. Can you imagine rushing to the toilet every 2-3 hours when you're sleeping? Might as well sleep outside the toilet. Or worse still, soil your pyjamas and your bed. Yucks.

O-right. Update again when I have my first few spoonfuls of the laxatives then. Which hopefully won't be too awful-tasting...

Oh no. I can’t believe that I COULD be actually a fan of a Korean drama! I always chide at my dad who can watch 大长今like almost 10 times but still can nod and empathize and get all excited when 长今triumphed over the bad people in the end for the kerzillionth times– he’s like a super fan.

And then, the aunty of the era came. And she’s no other than, KIM SAM SOON.

Oh my, I’m just in love with the idea of the odd couple that I can smile at the tube goofily as the show goes on. They’re so… real.

Aw man, so cute. The both of them. @(^^)@

And of course, I love the wicked evil pig!

Oh ho ho... it even flies. :D

Oh well. So, he died. And my dear friend mourns for him.

But I’m laughing my head off. The renowned crocodile hunter – who pried the poor crocodiles’ (who were very much minding their own business) mouths open and stuck his head in, and posed on a magazine cover with a tarantula on his head – was stung by a stingray, to death.

Didn’t mean disrespect to the dead, but I actually found him to be irritating and silly. Alright, what he was doing did propel him to fame and that viewers have to cast him to being ‘different’ and ‘daring’ as compared to other documentaries.

But still, I think it’s stupid. I pitied the animals that were handpicked by him to wrestle or to be irritated. “One of these days, one of them will successfully hurt him by retaliating out of defense or pure irritation.” I thought.

And it was a stingray. (Wahahahhaha!) Not a crocodile. Not a python. THE stingray. “A normally placid species that only deploys its poisonous tail spines as a defense.” And this article on MSN news was saying that Queensland Police Superintendent Michael Keating didn’t find any evidence that he was threatening nor intimidating the said stingray.

-_-

How do you know whether he did or not? Why else did the stingray sting him? And we know that he irritates animals for a living.

And all those laughing yesterday (Alright, I do feel kinda a little remorseful. For laughing. And for his wife and kid.), I had gotten my ill returns. I slipped and fell in front of a bunch of people at the MRT station. A little bruised knee... But… it still doesn’t stop me from putting this blog up! Bwahahaha.

Oh no. I better be careful the next few days.

I've been through hell. Serious.

First, they tenderize your body - the whole damn body. And later, they will rub hard on your body on those tender acupoints, like behind your knees and beside your neck. No matter how you squirm and scream into the hole below you, they will continue doing so. They have so much strength, they. You think that you can actually defeat them, small and petite and almost sweet looking. But, ooo, their hands!!

And then they will punch holes into your body. Like, many many many holes. And they use suction caps to suck out the blood. "Bad blood," they say. "And look, your blood is bubbling." And they continued to toot at my 'bad blood' which they say I shouldn't feel that I've kinda wasted them. They're...... bad, afterall. And after which, they showed me my wasted blood in the suction caps - all dark, coagulated and clotty. Like... period blood.

And they'll tenderize your body again before pressing onto those acupoints again - maybe to marinate me this time. With those holes on my body gaping at them. Squirming and screaming again.

It's so tiring. I just want to sleep. They finally left me alone for a while and to take their break. I just knocked out.

And when they resumed, they asked me to sit up. And they started to press onto my acupoints on my right and I grunted - I didn't want to give in. Weirdly, my entire right body started to heat up immediately and I started to sweat - cold sweat. And then, even weird, I could feel my hands, swelling up and giving out something - like bad air. Like some kungfu show!

It's true I tell you.

And before she moved to my left, I started seeing stars. OOOOO, a fainting spell. I said weakly, "I'm seeing stars and I think I'm going to faint." She took pity on me, either that, or she prefers me to be awake to feel the torture and pain. So she left my left side of the body alone.

And then she proceeded to punch holes on my brows. Near to my eyes.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just closed my eyes, lest when I opened them, I see a sea of red.

And they sucked the blood at my brows. -sob- They disfigured me. One is even marvelling at the blood bubbling in the cup at the side.

They finally let me off, all bruised and in pain. Circles of bruises with many little punctures inside. Like a monk's head. And worst of all, I got two bruises at the beginning of my brows. I looked damn fierce with like, very thick brows. They said I had to return within 3 hours. I obediently agreed.

Which they prepared a tub of hot water and asked me to submerge myself in there for 20minutes. Oh, the cooking time after the marinating.

I stepped in and my wounds start to burn. I yelped and cursed myself. Slowly I got in, feeling like a potato which has holes on it, poked by a fork so that it'll cook faster.

And I almost fainted again when I got out. I survived, but I was like almost dying I felt. I dressed myself, thinking that I am in earthquake. And I walked out the steamed up room groggily. Oh! I saw my torture bed! I slumped onto it and laid there motionless. "What have I gotten myself into...!?" I thought bitterly.

And as I laid there, totally weak and exhausted, I sweated like a pig. It's like, NON-STOP. My shirt got so drenched, it was soaked through. My legs were even glistening from sweat. My face was dripping wet even though I had dried myself previously.

Oh, the torture!

After a good rest, and a kind soul got me glucose water and kept giving me water - for fear to have a dehydrated corpse in their premise I guess. Heh. And then I gobbled some sweets at their reception area. And then I was good to go.

I ached all over. I had actually spend an entire day at the torture chamber. For the sake of my damn back. SHIT. For my damn back, I had to sacrifice some blood and bruises on my face and body. -sob-

It better work. I guess it did - my back wasn't hurting at all when I got up this morning. But again, ALL the other parts of my body were screaming in pain. Kinda in relativity I guess, that my back really seemed to be better.

And... then there's the 2nd dreaded treatment...

And anyways, why the hell is Joakim is still in Singapore Idol??? He now represents Singapore's Top 5 singers when he is tone-deaf!?

If he still stays on the next round, I think I will start voting already. I know I know, it's people like me who curse and swear and complain that Singapore isn't listening but do nothing about it - typical couch critics.

Why wouldn't he step down? At least to show the others that he knows his place instead of being thick-skinned and staying on, like the judges are furious that he's still on the competition already. They should buck up and say "NO COMMENTS" to their judgments towards him. Week after week, he sounds the same and all his words are chopped up like minced pork. Expression looks the same too. And I don't even think he dresses well nor looks good.

I mean, COME ON! He sang "XIAO WEI"!!!! That's supposed to be the easiest Chinese song! And he managed to make it sound like an amatuer just realising that he has vocal cords. Why not sing "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".

Oh no, Hady please win. If Joakim Gomez wins Singapore Idol - all the voters can go and die.

I SPIT!

Pooi pooi pooi... to Zoe Tay's Imedeen's ad. Lying on a bed (?) with her hair splayed out behind her, with a come-hither look. The pun is damn obvious. Sex sells but huh? For a skincare product? ...

She's really getting old already huh. Signs of an aging star trying to fight for its space in the vast skies with the young twinkly ones.I don't see Jacelyn Tay doing the same ad even thought she's the spokesperson for Imedeen as well.

Oh well.

It was my niece's birthday today. (Oh, Shilin, I do get called "Aunty" often. Cos I am already one when I am borned. And er, well, kids unrelated to me do call me "Aunty" too. ( /_\) ) And her parents were throwing a birthday bash for her at Raffles Country Club. From 3PM to through the night. Like the baby will be staying up the whole time.

What does a baby know about? Like she knows that it's her birthday and she's one year old? Do anyone of us have recollections of our 1st birthdays? Noooo......

So.......... the adults are just ya-ya-papayas.

I don't even really recall any photo-taking.

Dinner was bad - RTC's food was infamously known for their bad food, I just realised. And the atmosphere was plain wrong. The family hasn't met since Chinese New Year and the only reason I went to this bash, was to not make my Dad look bad. This is sad, I know. I don't really quite care for my niece's birthday. Not that she minds me around or not on her birthday party. Hell, I have not even carried or touched her or played with her.

And the adults are like professional gamblers. And they seem to not know what to talk about other than counting their winnings across the table of cards / mahjong.

What sorta celebration is that?! And I felt that they're all so fake, and so courteous with each other - they kinda, sorry to say, disgust me. I mean, you wouldn't be so enthusiastically kind and courteous to your family members, would you??? Come on, you won't even do that to your friends, right? Maybe to your bosses or someone great la. But... hai...

I showed my boredom outright. I almost fell asleep. And I went to take long walks away from the table. I even asked JX to call me cos I was so damn bored and disgusted with their behaviour.

Then after dinner, I found out that I was a lousy bowler. Like - really lousy. I don't remember being that lousy before. My left butt is hurting badly now and my fingers are a little swollen.

Hai..... Lousy way to end a Saturday. :(

A while ago, I was complaining to JX that our dates/outings have gone stale. We barely have the energy to walk anywhere, or fight with the crowds at Chinatown, or time to smell some sea breeze. We somehow or rather always end up lazing around at home, thinking that the weather is going to turn for the worse. And then we'll just watch tv and then sleep in. And then feel grouchy at the end of the day having a perfect day all wasted away.

And I thought, this is NO GOOD! What happened to our sense of adventure? Going to Pulau Ubin to cycle? Taking a foreign bus and alight at a strange place and make our way around? Looking for cheap good food/groceries? Just being out in the sun/open?

So I complained. He listened, and within this week, we had a dinner picnic at Chinese Gardens and a LIVE international basketball match at the Indoor Stadium. HOW COOL IS THAT? (Though it isn't in the sun/open.)

But you know, plans being plans, they don't work out most of the times.

Our picnic, was supposedly to be like, well, relaxing and romantic - but it turns out to be a highly strung up meal eaten quickly and with wide eyes. Because, stupid Chinese Garden wasn't lighted at all.

I know it's kinda silly to still want to have our dinner there, in the shadows; but there wasn't any other place, and we didn't want to waste our efforts having make our way down already (to find in dismay, a sillouette of the tower in Chinese Gardens against the purple sky). There were bunches of people; guys; that we squinted out in the shadows - and we didn't like it at all. (You know, overwhelming numbers and being the group that can be easily succumbed don't make you feel easy... Especially in the dark.) But we still HAVE TO have our dinner there. So we made our way into the Chinese Garden, and found a well-lit concrete ground facing the toilet. And there, we ate our dinner, with our backs facing the romantic pond. We faced, instead, the roads that bypassed us. In case anyone comes by, knocks us out and steal our dinner.

And we updated each other constantly on the shadows approaching us, barely concentrating on what we were eating. How fun!!! It's like some spy game.

After we finished our dinner, we packed and left immediately. A little letdown, but it was the first time that we both laid foot/feet into Chinese Garden, and it was the out-of-the-ordinary-routine that put the spark into place. I left the shadows a very happy girl. :)

And LIVE basketball match on a Saturday night! I mean, isn't this like where a guy first asks a girl out on a date?

"Hey, I happen to have free tickets to this International Basketball match this Saturday night... Let's go together?"

Hahaha!! Cool! And I was anticipating hotdogs - but there were none. But... never mind that.

Summary of the match: Spain won Serbia Montenegro. And they are damn tall la. And there weren't cheerleaders (those I saw dancing out of sync are not counted) and no stupid-looking mascots.

Oh well, I can't wait for my next date!!! :D

Teehee...

One of my buddies (I can't say who cos she is uncomfortable with this respect), has begun and started (for the first time!) dating, and I am truly so happy for her. She deserves in every way to play in the game of dating. The anticipation of the next date, the incessant checking of your handphone (thinking he might message or call), the looking forward of the next outing to just see him, and during the date, a special kinda feeling. Haha.. As I look on whatever she's going through, I'm reminded of what JX and I had gone through. It was nice reminiscing, those dating days. :)

You know, my dear friend, it doesn't really matter if nothing comes out of this dating. Enjoy it for now! At least you're in the field of game. Once you've opened up for it, the next one will come soon enough. If you have no expectations, you won't be disappointed. So take it easy on yourself ya?

If it doesn't turn out good, and you feel lousy, you know who you can look for. :)

As I read today's newspapers on Jacintha's commentation on the contestants' performance, I sniggered. It's unanimous - everyone thinks that she can't judge a performance. And yah, she can't construct proper sentences. And hell, I thought that she was on drugs. You can even see her (slow) thinking as she hesitates in between words.

Move on quickly to Ken please.

And why the heck are Jasmine and Joakim are still in the contest? Don't deny they're rather good-looking la. But I hope that those little girls and boys (who are the only ones unrelated to them and are still voting anyways) can stop their little fingers sending votes through their handphones and concentrate on their singing. Like, up your volume if your tv's volume is faulty. Jay, though I don't really like him, can sing waaaaay much better than Jasmine and Joakim. But he's ousted already.

I mean, come on, Spice Girls' Wannabe??? I was cringing the whole song through - and I know I'm not the only one. Someone should tell them what not to sing.

Okay, I don't deny that I was ever once the teeny bopster thinking that Spice Girls and Backstreet Boys are (actually) cool. *sheepish* But seriously, I know it's hilarious that a person tries to sing a 5-people song, trying to cover all 5 voices as they lapse? Singing for fun and trying to make someone laugh is different from a contest, for heaven's sake.

But again, I watch Singapore Idol for this very reason as well. To see, how these people who know that they don't have the singing capabilities as compared to the rest, try their best to smoke their way through.

Don't they know if they win, they're going to be put against the rest of the idols from overseas at World Idol are something? (Pointless la, seriously. How do you even compare with the big countries - where their entire population can just vote once and they'll be like leading by million or billions. So in the end, only America and China will be at Finals.)

How pointless is my blog?

******************************

Just met Kay & Ass yesterday. So happy to just be around them... And!!! Feel damn happy and excited for Kay la. Awww... :)

Don’t you just want to laugh, when looking at the video of this year’s Singapore National Day song? Because I do. Especially when the video is muted (and on repeat mode) while you’re traveling on the NEL train. I wanted to laugh, because the singer looks like she’s laughing the song through. That’s if you mute the song. She looks like a looney. She looks like she’s laughing crazily at something cos she’s too smiley – grinny, in fact – and her shoulders hitched at every single second. That might be an expression of immense feelings while she belts out the National Day song and hitting those high notes; but you see, it’s muted. That’s why it looks darn stupid la. I kept looking at her scrawny shoulders hitching like she’s laughing – which isn’t really difficult cos she’s in a tube even though she varies her dressing, and that her face isn’t really that pretty to divert my eyes from her up-and-down shoulders. Gimme Tanya Chua anytime. At least she doesn’t look like the tube hanging on her will fall off her chest if she gestulates too much.

I find it hilarious that she gestures like she is Mariah Carey while singing. Haw haw…

And what’s her name anyway? Someone told me but I forgot. But again, I’m not that interested. Hm, but I just realized, that I’ve a blog on her already. HA HA!

I don’t know – if I should feel angry or find the matter amusing. I was actually molested by my cousin. My cousin who is… 4-5 years old boy. He is a very cute cheeky boy. And looking at him while he did his cheeky things, we know that he knew it wasn’t right. But prolly knowing that he’s a kid, he could get away with it?

I mean, he definitely has to know that it was wrong, right? When he smiled cheekily after placing his little hand on my left boob and asked, “Why is there a ball here?”…? And I almost thought that he found it amusing that we got all worked up by his action. We all laughed then, but seriously, I’m beginning to feel disturbed by his behaviour. Cos he tried to molest me more than twice.

First time, I laughed at his naivety after brushing his hand and the matter off.

Second time, I was shocked when he tried to be cheeky with my nether regions.

Third time, I sternly told him not to. But I doubt that it goes into his head???

Man, how to teach kids? Seriously, how do you teach kids to not cross certain boundaries, when they know no limits?

Today is a day where I would very much to go “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…” to everyone.

Because I’m in pain...

My womb feels like it’s eating its way out because it’s the darn time of the month again.

I feel empty inside too. I feel a void, and because of the void, I feel sad. Nothing I can very much explain in words. Maybe the void will eat its way out too, leaving me nothing but just, a void.

Oh fuck.

黑白画映
收拾下自己的心
说给自己听
那黑那白全都不在
那风那梦风吹进我的梦
收拾下自己的心
好让天使听
那黑那白全都不在
那风那梦风吹进我的梦
无力抱紧看着又伤心
偶尔想起我爱你
想追又自己鼓不起勇气
我心中黑白
无力靠近猜测你的心
今夜又会在那里
窗外的风起天下起小雨
我心中黑白的画映
我无力找到真爱
可怜我只剩下空白
找不到靠近的理由
也只能开不了口
静静的我守在窗口
享受这寂寞
无力证明才让你相信
有个傻子在想你
想你和我有一天相遇
我心中黑白的画映
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I fell in love with this song (Kum, sorry, I know you don’t know a shit what was that all about), when I first heard it. And I thought it to be a cheery, happy, smooth song – if love can sound like a song, this had to be it, I thought.

But little did I know that the song was more about being lovelorn and loneliness than love itself. Far from happiness and bliss and bright-sunshiny-days. And the song now is starting to depress me as it plays on repeat mode while I read the lyrics. How silly...

Hell. I took in a (teeny) gasp when I checked on Kum's blog. My dear Kum, that was really quite a big flash picture of yourself with your crooked specs perched on your nose.

I must say to others who had the same experience I did when I saw her picture - Kum looks better in real life. Or - she has better days. And when I made a comparison of her and Michelle Saram, I referred to her better days - minus her spectacles.

Ha ha ha...!!!

But again, Kum just has that thing in her, she can make pictures look ghostlike. I remembered a Sadoko one - her huge (all whites) eyes and bombastic hair - head peering out of our shoulders as we all smiled innocently at the photographer. And there was another - where she stood in front of a fan, loony-hairstyle, and stared at the camera. Picture Perfect.

Hai. That seemed like such a long time ago when we were fooling around with cameras.

It’s the 7th month – the month where ghosts/spirits/’dirty’ things/they-who-cannot-be-mentioned/pontianaks roam the earth (mainly where there are Chinese), amongst the ashes, joss sticks, candles and smoke. While I walked to the bus stop to go to work in the morning – everywhere seems like a war-torn zone. The remains of the fruits toppled all over, scattered ashes, melted wax and remaining sticks of the candles and joss sticks stuck all askew in the grass, burnt grass patches. It’s kinda eerie actually. Especially when the mornings are so quiet in comparison to the noisy clambouring nights before cos of the getais.

Let’s see if the crazy woman from that block still dares to throw her used sanitary pads out of her window. They say that pontianaks pick bloodied pads that are strewn carelessly by lazy/crazy women, and suck those pads dry. Then these women, will fall sick and slowly succumb to death. Hm. It’s most prolly a story to deter women from being unhygienic and inconsiderate. But let’s see. Let’s see.

After watching the 9pm TV show, I really think that Kum looks like Michelle Saram.

I don't know if that's good or bad though. Good cos she looks kinda good... I guess? She is afterall, a star. Was she a model before? And she always lands those rich girls/brats/princesses roles. So... she looks rich? So Kum, not bad to look rich huh? (Or bratty)

But she always gets on my nerves though, she's somewhat irritating. Cos er, she is always acting the bratty bimbo where all the guys fall headoverheels for her. Or maybe it's her Chinese (though it has improved leaps and bounds and prolly better than mine), or her mundane, otherwise known as bad, acting skills.

So Kum, I don't know whether that is a compliment or not. Hee hee.

********************

Yesterday marked the day JX and I have been together for 2 years! And we baked ready-made-mixture-cookies, which were pretty unpopular among my family members. And we smoked the kitchen. Dismayed to see the oven spewing smoke, we opened the oven, and after the smoke cleared, alas! 6 black corpses of cookies staring bact at us. They're so hard too, they can kill. And then we baked a Sunshine pizza, which tasted quite horrid...? Ho Ho Ho. A day of junk food. Literally, junk.

It was endearing seeing my boy attempting to make a heart shaped splatter of sticky-wet cookie dough though. :)

2 years doesn't seem long to some, but to me, it is like shorter? It feels like these 2 years have passed without me really knowing (how cliche). But so much things have happened within a short span of time. And between JX and me, we have went through a whole array of experiences - sadness, disappointment, jealousy (though I hate to admit), anger, insecurity, thrill, happiness, blissfulness, anticipation... Our relationship developed and evolved. Our lifestyles change and there's a lot of getting used to, and it's probably inevitable that insecurity arises due to changes. We rode it through however, and here we are today, learnt that trust and understanding are key to a happy, stable relationship.

It's hard to keep a balanced relationship - sometimes I give more, sometimes he does. Was it a show that stated that a relationship is like a cha-cha dance? A couple can go back and forth - the girl advances, the boy retreats, the boy advances, the girl retreats. It's all a matter of subjectivity. What matters though, no matter how much you give, is whether the other party recognizes that as an act of care and love. There's no state of equilibrium. And by acknowledging that, I find myself less wanting, and bratty? Hahaha...

In all, I don't know what to do without this boy of mine, I've gone through so much, and he was always there by me. He brought me up, he brought me down, and yet when I was down, he can bring me up. With him, I can feel like a woman, a girl and a baby at the same time. That feeling, is... bliss. :)

Alright, the drama show’s over. I’m back at home, and everything seems happily fine. The next showdown shouldn’t be that soon. I hope.

Went for my first physiotherapy session! Oh, I can’t deny that I was actually a little excited. Excited like... I’m going for my first spa/massage session - that kind of excitement. I think I may be a little weird – that I like... pain? Ah haha... And ya, pain it was! She attempted to flatten me like I’m prata dough and I almost puked up what I had eaten that day through the hole of the massage table. And to think she was striking up a cheerful conversation with me the whole time while I was desperately gasping for air.

Still, I’m looking forward to the next session. Not many patients have such positive attitudes towards physiotherapy I guess. HA HA!

Watched Pirates of the Carribean; The Dead Man’s Chest – and I thought it to be very good!! Not like what Kum has said? I can hardly wait for the next sequel. Johnny Depp actually is one man who looks good with kohled eyes. Not Paul Twohill nor whatshisnamethatlastsingaporeidol7/11advertiser.

And Nacho Libre sucks downright. I can safely proclaim that it’s the worst show I have ever watched. And to think I and my boy caught it on the day it was released. We spent wasted 16 bucks on a show that we just looked at each other half the show and rolled our eyes (cos we don’t get it why there are people in the theatre laughing at all). Haiya, it’s a farking stupid low budget show with all the funny parts on the adverts already.

As warned by Shilin, I didn’t spoil any shows... right? But ya, spend your money on the real Nachos – at least you can eat them.

A Dramatic Life

Sometimes, you go through certain patches of life, and think, "How dramatically sad a life can get?"... To only go through a worse patch than before and then, you eat your own words.

So many things have happened within such a short period of time, that I don’t even know where to start. Should I pen everything down in my blog, and then look at this entry years later, and laugh how silly this shit was?

And I thought that Channel 8 drama serials are plain silly and dramatic. My life could be a drama serial, with Jennifer as a co-star to add some humor and laughter to the audience. (Ah ha ha) And then I could vomit blood at some point of time, and faint – turning around as I fall so that I won’t fall flat on my face (I always find this really stupid when I see pretty and frail female stars fainting but have the energy to turn around so that they lay pretty-face up when they hit the ground or have their loves to catch their falls). And then I’ll be lying on the hospital bed looking I’m going to die and everyone crying by my bed.

OK, I digress. What was I saying?

Ya, my life’s like a stage play. I need not join The Navy in order to be a good movie. Ho Ho Ho.

Within a short period of time, I cried my eyeballs out and moved out of my house with such anger that if I stared hard enough I could prolly kill a rat. But yah, I was on the brink of mental instability, I think. I literally felt driven up to a wall, trampled like a tattered ragdoll. Anger of somebody useless is nothing to be afraid of, actually.

I kept crying, I diagnosed myself to be under depression. My tear ducts were overworked and the sides of my nose were aching like shit. I stopped crying and my anger rose in return. But each time I see my parents, I went soft.

Each time they tried to talk to me about my sister, I went into crazy confused Jean Grey in destruction mode.

But this incident showed me the people around me who were there for me, the entire time. Even my colleagues! And for that, I was so thankful, so touched. The support, the listening ear, the care and concern, and understanding wrapped me up like a security and comfort blanket. Soothed me, wiped my tears away.

And JX – being ever so patient with me, trying his best to cheer me up and wipe my easy-falling tears away, hugging my head to his chest as I sobbed and wet his shirt… I don’t know what to do without him. His family too, is so understanding to not ask me anything but just took me in. I don’t know how to thank them at all…

I felt really sad cos… I saw my parents in raw form, their old and weak sides. And I just couldn’t bear to do anything against their wishes. Even though I am angry.

I’m in a shitty position – caught in the middle of my own anger and willfulness, and my responsibility as a filial daughter.

Anger isn’t good for the body. It wrecks the body up and in no time, the weakest point of my body starts to hurt damn badly. Went to see a doctor and got a referral letter to the hospital for my bloody back but the appointment is so damn far away. My back would have been broken into pieces by then.

Last Saturday night, my boy brought me to A&E cos the pain in my back in the morning was so damn sharp and paralyzing that… that I thought my back has snapped into two. I saw stars and I sat down grabbing my back and clenching my fist. I kept quiet. I didn’t want my parents to know and then worry about me, given the situation right now. So I gritted my teeth and swallowed my fear and managed to put on a convincing enough act for them as I went out with them in the afternoon.

Turns out that I have a crack in my spinal cord (which is supposedly to be normal but the doctor, as usual, would not rule it out as a possible cause to my extreme pangs of pain), I’ve scoliosis, and she suspected that I could have a minor case of prolapsed disc.

Quite a mouthful to digest. I’ve pretty much a shitty wrecked up body. And all doctors alike, exclaimed at my age and complaints of backaches for years.

On medical leave now – which is alright, I could do with a short break with all the happenings. And till this point, my parents do not know.

Everything will blow over, I know. Matter of time.

I’ll just take a step (with a hand at my back) as it comes.

But my dear friends, and my boy, thank you so much… for being there for me and checking if I’m ok. You don’t know, how much it all means to me… :)