A Dramatic Life

Sometimes, you go through certain patches of life, and think, "How dramatically sad a life can get?"... To only go through a worse patch than before and then, you eat your own words.

So many things have happened within such a short period of time, that I don’t even know where to start. Should I pen everything down in my blog, and then look at this entry years later, and laugh how silly this shit was?

And I thought that Channel 8 drama serials are plain silly and dramatic. My life could be a drama serial, with Jennifer as a co-star to add some humor and laughter to the audience. (Ah ha ha) And then I could vomit blood at some point of time, and faint – turning around as I fall so that I won’t fall flat on my face (I always find this really stupid when I see pretty and frail female stars fainting but have the energy to turn around so that they lay pretty-face up when they hit the ground or have their loves to catch their falls). And then I’ll be lying on the hospital bed looking I’m going to die and everyone crying by my bed.

OK, I digress. What was I saying?

Ya, my life’s like a stage play. I need not join The Navy in order to be a good movie. Ho Ho Ho.

Within a short period of time, I cried my eyeballs out and moved out of my house with such anger that if I stared hard enough I could prolly kill a rat. But yah, I was on the brink of mental instability, I think. I literally felt driven up to a wall, trampled like a tattered ragdoll. Anger of somebody useless is nothing to be afraid of, actually.

I kept crying, I diagnosed myself to be under depression. My tear ducts were overworked and the sides of my nose were aching like shit. I stopped crying and my anger rose in return. But each time I see my parents, I went soft.

Each time they tried to talk to me about my sister, I went into crazy confused Jean Grey in destruction mode.

But this incident showed me the people around me who were there for me, the entire time. Even my colleagues! And for that, I was so thankful, so touched. The support, the listening ear, the care and concern, and understanding wrapped me up like a security and comfort blanket. Soothed me, wiped my tears away.

And JX – being ever so patient with me, trying his best to cheer me up and wipe my easy-falling tears away, hugging my head to his chest as I sobbed and wet his shirt… I don’t know what to do without him. His family too, is so understanding to not ask me anything but just took me in. I don’t know how to thank them at all…

I felt really sad cos… I saw my parents in raw form, their old and weak sides. And I just couldn’t bear to do anything against their wishes. Even though I am angry.

I’m in a shitty position – caught in the middle of my own anger and willfulness, and my responsibility as a filial daughter.

Anger isn’t good for the body. It wrecks the body up and in no time, the weakest point of my body starts to hurt damn badly. Went to see a doctor and got a referral letter to the hospital for my bloody back but the appointment is so damn far away. My back would have been broken into pieces by then.

Last Saturday night, my boy brought me to A&E cos the pain in my back in the morning was so damn sharp and paralyzing that… that I thought my back has snapped into two. I saw stars and I sat down grabbing my back and clenching my fist. I kept quiet. I didn’t want my parents to know and then worry about me, given the situation right now. So I gritted my teeth and swallowed my fear and managed to put on a convincing enough act for them as I went out with them in the afternoon.

Turns out that I have a crack in my spinal cord (which is supposedly to be normal but the doctor, as usual, would not rule it out as a possible cause to my extreme pangs of pain), I’ve scoliosis, and she suspected that I could have a minor case of prolapsed disc.

Quite a mouthful to digest. I’ve pretty much a shitty wrecked up body. And all doctors alike, exclaimed at my age and complaints of backaches for years.

On medical leave now – which is alright, I could do with a short break with all the happenings. And till this point, my parents do not know.

Everything will blow over, I know. Matter of time.

I’ll just take a step (with a hand at my back) as it comes.

But my dear friends, and my boy, thank you so much… for being there for me and checking if I’m ok. You don’t know, how much it all means to me… :)