Today is a day where I would very much to go “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…” to everyone.

Because I’m in pain...

My womb feels like it’s eating its way out because it’s the darn time of the month again.

I feel empty inside too. I feel a void, and because of the void, I feel sad. Nothing I can very much explain in words. Maybe the void will eat its way out too, leaving me nothing but just, a void.

Oh fuck.

黑白画映
收拾下自己的心
说给自己听
那黑那白全都不在
那风那梦风吹进我的梦
收拾下自己的心
好让天使听
那黑那白全都不在
那风那梦风吹进我的梦
无力抱紧看着又伤心
偶尔想起我爱你
想追又自己鼓不起勇气
我心中黑白
无力靠近猜测你的心
今夜又会在那里
窗外的风起天下起小雨
我心中黑白的画映
我无力找到真爱
可怜我只剩下空白
找不到靠近的理由
也只能开不了口
静静的我守在窗口
享受这寂寞
无力证明才让你相信
有个傻子在想你
想你和我有一天相遇
我心中黑白的画映
--------------------------------------
I fell in love with this song (Kum, sorry, I know you don’t know a shit what was that all about), when I first heard it. And I thought it to be a cheery, happy, smooth song – if love can sound like a song, this had to be it, I thought.

But little did I know that the song was more about being lovelorn and loneliness than love itself. Far from happiness and bliss and bright-sunshiny-days. And the song now is starting to depress me as it plays on repeat mode while I read the lyrics. How silly...

Hell. I took in a (teeny) gasp when I checked on Kum's blog. My dear Kum, that was really quite a big flash picture of yourself with your crooked specs perched on your nose.

I must say to others who had the same experience I did when I saw her picture - Kum looks better in real life. Or - she has better days. And when I made a comparison of her and Michelle Saram, I referred to her better days - minus her spectacles.

Ha ha ha...!!!

But again, Kum just has that thing in her, she can make pictures look ghostlike. I remembered a Sadoko one - her huge (all whites) eyes and bombastic hair - head peering out of our shoulders as we all smiled innocently at the photographer. And there was another - where she stood in front of a fan, loony-hairstyle, and stared at the camera. Picture Perfect.

Hai. That seemed like such a long time ago when we were fooling around with cameras.

It’s the 7th month – the month where ghosts/spirits/’dirty’ things/they-who-cannot-be-mentioned/pontianaks roam the earth (mainly where there are Chinese), amongst the ashes, joss sticks, candles and smoke. While I walked to the bus stop to go to work in the morning – everywhere seems like a war-torn zone. The remains of the fruits toppled all over, scattered ashes, melted wax and remaining sticks of the candles and joss sticks stuck all askew in the grass, burnt grass patches. It’s kinda eerie actually. Especially when the mornings are so quiet in comparison to the noisy clambouring nights before cos of the getais.

Let’s see if the crazy woman from that block still dares to throw her used sanitary pads out of her window. They say that pontianaks pick bloodied pads that are strewn carelessly by lazy/crazy women, and suck those pads dry. Then these women, will fall sick and slowly succumb to death. Hm. It’s most prolly a story to deter women from being unhygienic and inconsiderate. But let’s see. Let’s see.

After watching the 9pm TV show, I really think that Kum looks like Michelle Saram.

I don't know if that's good or bad though. Good cos she looks kinda good... I guess? She is afterall, a star. Was she a model before? And she always lands those rich girls/brats/princesses roles. So... she looks rich? So Kum, not bad to look rich huh? (Or bratty)

But she always gets on my nerves though, she's somewhat irritating. Cos er, she is always acting the bratty bimbo where all the guys fall headoverheels for her. Or maybe it's her Chinese (though it has improved leaps and bounds and prolly better than mine), or her mundane, otherwise known as bad, acting skills.

So Kum, I don't know whether that is a compliment or not. Hee hee.

********************

Yesterday marked the day JX and I have been together for 2 years! And we baked ready-made-mixture-cookies, which were pretty unpopular among my family members. And we smoked the kitchen. Dismayed to see the oven spewing smoke, we opened the oven, and after the smoke cleared, alas! 6 black corpses of cookies staring bact at us. They're so hard too, they can kill. And then we baked a Sunshine pizza, which tasted quite horrid...? Ho Ho Ho. A day of junk food. Literally, junk.

It was endearing seeing my boy attempting to make a heart shaped splatter of sticky-wet cookie dough though. :)

2 years doesn't seem long to some, but to me, it is like shorter? It feels like these 2 years have passed without me really knowing (how cliche). But so much things have happened within a short span of time. And between JX and me, we have went through a whole array of experiences - sadness, disappointment, jealousy (though I hate to admit), anger, insecurity, thrill, happiness, blissfulness, anticipation... Our relationship developed and evolved. Our lifestyles change and there's a lot of getting used to, and it's probably inevitable that insecurity arises due to changes. We rode it through however, and here we are today, learnt that trust and understanding are key to a happy, stable relationship.

It's hard to keep a balanced relationship - sometimes I give more, sometimes he does. Was it a show that stated that a relationship is like a cha-cha dance? A couple can go back and forth - the girl advances, the boy retreats, the boy advances, the girl retreats. It's all a matter of subjectivity. What matters though, no matter how much you give, is whether the other party recognizes that as an act of care and love. There's no state of equilibrium. And by acknowledging that, I find myself less wanting, and bratty? Hahaha...

In all, I don't know what to do without this boy of mine, I've gone through so much, and he was always there by me. He brought me up, he brought me down, and yet when I was down, he can bring me up. With him, I can feel like a woman, a girl and a baby at the same time. That feeling, is... bliss. :)

Alright, the drama show’s over. I’m back at home, and everything seems happily fine. The next showdown shouldn’t be that soon. I hope.

Went for my first physiotherapy session! Oh, I can’t deny that I was actually a little excited. Excited like... I’m going for my first spa/massage session - that kind of excitement. I think I may be a little weird – that I like... pain? Ah haha... And ya, pain it was! She attempted to flatten me like I’m prata dough and I almost puked up what I had eaten that day through the hole of the massage table. And to think she was striking up a cheerful conversation with me the whole time while I was desperately gasping for air.

Still, I’m looking forward to the next session. Not many patients have such positive attitudes towards physiotherapy I guess. HA HA!

Watched Pirates of the Carribean; The Dead Man’s Chest – and I thought it to be very good!! Not like what Kum has said? I can hardly wait for the next sequel. Johnny Depp actually is one man who looks good with kohled eyes. Not Paul Twohill nor whatshisnamethatlastsingaporeidol7/11advertiser.

And Nacho Libre sucks downright. I can safely proclaim that it’s the worst show I have ever watched. And to think I and my boy caught it on the day it was released. We spent wasted 16 bucks on a show that we just looked at each other half the show and rolled our eyes (cos we don’t get it why there are people in the theatre laughing at all). Haiya, it’s a farking stupid low budget show with all the funny parts on the adverts already.

As warned by Shilin, I didn’t spoil any shows... right? But ya, spend your money on the real Nachos – at least you can eat them.

A Dramatic Life

Sometimes, you go through certain patches of life, and think, "How dramatically sad a life can get?"... To only go through a worse patch than before and then, you eat your own words.

So many things have happened within such a short period of time, that I don’t even know where to start. Should I pen everything down in my blog, and then look at this entry years later, and laugh how silly this shit was?

And I thought that Channel 8 drama serials are plain silly and dramatic. My life could be a drama serial, with Jennifer as a co-star to add some humor and laughter to the audience. (Ah ha ha) And then I could vomit blood at some point of time, and faint – turning around as I fall so that I won’t fall flat on my face (I always find this really stupid when I see pretty and frail female stars fainting but have the energy to turn around so that they lay pretty-face up when they hit the ground or have their loves to catch their falls). And then I’ll be lying on the hospital bed looking I’m going to die and everyone crying by my bed.

OK, I digress. What was I saying?

Ya, my life’s like a stage play. I need not join The Navy in order to be a good movie. Ho Ho Ho.

Within a short period of time, I cried my eyeballs out and moved out of my house with such anger that if I stared hard enough I could prolly kill a rat. But yah, I was on the brink of mental instability, I think. I literally felt driven up to a wall, trampled like a tattered ragdoll. Anger of somebody useless is nothing to be afraid of, actually.

I kept crying, I diagnosed myself to be under depression. My tear ducts were overworked and the sides of my nose were aching like shit. I stopped crying and my anger rose in return. But each time I see my parents, I went soft.

Each time they tried to talk to me about my sister, I went into crazy confused Jean Grey in destruction mode.

But this incident showed me the people around me who were there for me, the entire time. Even my colleagues! And for that, I was so thankful, so touched. The support, the listening ear, the care and concern, and understanding wrapped me up like a security and comfort blanket. Soothed me, wiped my tears away.

And JX – being ever so patient with me, trying his best to cheer me up and wipe my easy-falling tears away, hugging my head to his chest as I sobbed and wet his shirt… I don’t know what to do without him. His family too, is so understanding to not ask me anything but just took me in. I don’t know how to thank them at all…

I felt really sad cos… I saw my parents in raw form, their old and weak sides. And I just couldn’t bear to do anything against their wishes. Even though I am angry.

I’m in a shitty position – caught in the middle of my own anger and willfulness, and my responsibility as a filial daughter.

Anger isn’t good for the body. It wrecks the body up and in no time, the weakest point of my body starts to hurt damn badly. Went to see a doctor and got a referral letter to the hospital for my bloody back but the appointment is so damn far away. My back would have been broken into pieces by then.

Last Saturday night, my boy brought me to A&E cos the pain in my back in the morning was so damn sharp and paralyzing that… that I thought my back has snapped into two. I saw stars and I sat down grabbing my back and clenching my fist. I kept quiet. I didn’t want my parents to know and then worry about me, given the situation right now. So I gritted my teeth and swallowed my fear and managed to put on a convincing enough act for them as I went out with them in the afternoon.

Turns out that I have a crack in my spinal cord (which is supposedly to be normal but the doctor, as usual, would not rule it out as a possible cause to my extreme pangs of pain), I’ve scoliosis, and she suspected that I could have a minor case of prolapsed disc.

Quite a mouthful to digest. I’ve pretty much a shitty wrecked up body. And all doctors alike, exclaimed at my age and complaints of backaches for years.

On medical leave now – which is alright, I could do with a short break with all the happenings. And till this point, my parents do not know.

Everything will blow over, I know. Matter of time.

I’ll just take a step (with a hand at my back) as it comes.

But my dear friends, and my boy, thank you so much… for being there for me and checking if I’m ok. You don’t know, how much it all means to me… :)