Today is a day where I would very much to go “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck…” to everyone.

Because I’m in pain...

My womb feels like it’s eating its way out because it’s the darn time of the month again.

I feel empty inside too. I feel a void, and because of the void, I feel sad. Nothing I can very much explain in words. Maybe the void will eat its way out too, leaving me nothing but just, a void.

Oh fuck.

黑白画映
收拾下自己的心
说给自己听
那黑那白全都不在
那风那梦风吹进我的梦
收拾下自己的心
好让天使听
那黑那白全都不在
那风那梦风吹进我的梦
无力抱紧看着又伤心
偶尔想起我爱你
想追又自己鼓不起勇气
我心中黑白
无力靠近猜测你的心
今夜又会在那里
窗外的风起天下起小雨
我心中黑白的画映
我无力找到真爱
可怜我只剩下空白
找不到靠近的理由
也只能开不了口
静静的我守在窗口
享受这寂寞
无力证明才让你相信
有个傻子在想你
想你和我有一天相遇
我心中黑白的画映
--------------------------------------
I fell in love with this song (Kum, sorry, I know you don’t know a shit what was that all about), when I first heard it. And I thought it to be a cheery, happy, smooth song – if love can sound like a song, this had to be it, I thought.

But little did I know that the song was more about being lovelorn and loneliness than love itself. Far from happiness and bliss and bright-sunshiny-days. And the song now is starting to depress me as it plays on repeat mode while I read the lyrics. How silly...

Hell. I took in a (teeny) gasp when I checked on Kum's blog. My dear Kum, that was really quite a big flash picture of yourself with your crooked specs perched on your nose.

I must say to others who had the same experience I did when I saw her picture - Kum looks better in real life. Or - she has better days. And when I made a comparison of her and Michelle Saram, I referred to her better days - minus her spectacles.

Ha ha ha...!!!

But again, Kum just has that thing in her, she can make pictures look ghostlike. I remembered a Sadoko one - her huge (all whites) eyes and bombastic hair - head peering out of our shoulders as we all smiled innocently at the photographer. And there was another - where she stood in front of a fan, loony-hairstyle, and stared at the camera. Picture Perfect.

Hai. That seemed like such a long time ago when we were fooling around with cameras.

It’s the 7th month – the month where ghosts/spirits/’dirty’ things/they-who-cannot-be-mentioned/pontianaks roam the earth (mainly where there are Chinese), amongst the ashes, joss sticks, candles and smoke. While I walked to the bus stop to go to work in the morning – everywhere seems like a war-torn zone. The remains of the fruits toppled all over, scattered ashes, melted wax and remaining sticks of the candles and joss sticks stuck all askew in the grass, burnt grass patches. It’s kinda eerie actually. Especially when the mornings are so quiet in comparison to the noisy clambouring nights before cos of the getais.

Let’s see if the crazy woman from that block still dares to throw her used sanitary pads out of her window. They say that pontianaks pick bloodied pads that are strewn carelessly by lazy/crazy women, and suck those pads dry. Then these women, will fall sick and slowly succumb to death. Hm. It’s most prolly a story to deter women from being unhygienic and inconsiderate. But let’s see. Let’s see.

After watching the 9pm TV show, I really think that Kum looks like Michelle Saram.

I don't know if that's good or bad though. Good cos she looks kinda good... I guess? She is afterall, a star. Was she a model before? And she always lands those rich girls/brats/princesses roles. So... she looks rich? So Kum, not bad to look rich huh? (Or bratty)

But she always gets on my nerves though, she's somewhat irritating. Cos er, she is always acting the bratty bimbo where all the guys fall headoverheels for her. Or maybe it's her Chinese (though it has improved leaps and bounds and prolly better than mine), or her mundane, otherwise known as bad, acting skills.

So Kum, I don't know whether that is a compliment or not. Hee hee.

********************

Yesterday marked the day JX and I have been together for 2 years! And we baked ready-made-mixture-cookies, which were pretty unpopular among my family members. And we smoked the kitchen. Dismayed to see the oven spewing smoke, we opened the oven, and after the smoke cleared, alas! 6 black corpses of cookies staring bact at us. They're so hard too, they can kill. And then we baked a Sunshine pizza, which tasted quite horrid...? Ho Ho Ho. A day of junk food. Literally, junk.

It was endearing seeing my boy attempting to make a heart shaped splatter of sticky-wet cookie dough though. :)

2 years doesn't seem long to some, but to me, it is like shorter? It feels like these 2 years have passed without me really knowing (how cliche). But so much things have happened within a short span of time. And between JX and me, we have went through a whole array of experiences - sadness, disappointment, jealousy (though I hate to admit), anger, insecurity, thrill, happiness, blissfulness, anticipation... Our relationship developed and evolved. Our lifestyles change and there's a lot of getting used to, and it's probably inevitable that insecurity arises due to changes. We rode it through however, and here we are today, learnt that trust and understanding are key to a happy, stable relationship.

It's hard to keep a balanced relationship - sometimes I give more, sometimes he does. Was it a show that stated that a relationship is like a cha-cha dance? A couple can go back and forth - the girl advances, the boy retreats, the boy advances, the girl retreats. It's all a matter of subjectivity. What matters though, no matter how much you give, is whether the other party recognizes that as an act of care and love. There's no state of equilibrium. And by acknowledging that, I find myself less wanting, and bratty? Hahaha...

In all, I don't know what to do without this boy of mine, I've gone through so much, and he was always there by me. He brought me up, he brought me down, and yet when I was down, he can bring me up. With him, I can feel like a woman, a girl and a baby at the same time. That feeling, is... bliss. :)

Alright, the drama show’s over. I’m back at home, and everything seems happily fine. The next showdown shouldn’t be that soon. I hope.

Went for my first physiotherapy session! Oh, I can’t deny that I was actually a little excited. Excited like... I’m going for my first spa/massage session - that kind of excitement. I think I may be a little weird – that I like... pain? Ah haha... And ya, pain it was! She attempted to flatten me like I’m prata dough and I almost puked up what I had eaten that day through the hole of the massage table. And to think she was striking up a cheerful conversation with me the whole time while I was desperately gasping for air.

Still, I’m looking forward to the next session. Not many patients have such positive attitudes towards physiotherapy I guess. HA HA!

Watched Pirates of the Carribean; The Dead Man’s Chest – and I thought it to be very good!! Not like what Kum has said? I can hardly wait for the next sequel. Johnny Depp actually is one man who looks good with kohled eyes. Not Paul Twohill nor whatshisnamethatlastsingaporeidol7/11advertiser.

And Nacho Libre sucks downright. I can safely proclaim that it’s the worst show I have ever watched. And to think I and my boy caught it on the day it was released. We spent wasted 16 bucks on a show that we just looked at each other half the show and rolled our eyes (cos we don’t get it why there are people in the theatre laughing at all). Haiya, it’s a farking stupid low budget show with all the funny parts on the adverts already.

As warned by Shilin, I didn’t spoil any shows... right? But ya, spend your money on the real Nachos – at least you can eat them.

A Dramatic Life

Sometimes, you go through certain patches of life, and think, "How dramatically sad a life can get?"... To only go through a worse patch than before and then, you eat your own words.

So many things have happened within such a short period of time, that I don’t even know where to start. Should I pen everything down in my blog, and then look at this entry years later, and laugh how silly this shit was?

And I thought that Channel 8 drama serials are plain silly and dramatic. My life could be a drama serial, with Jennifer as a co-star to add some humor and laughter to the audience. (Ah ha ha) And then I could vomit blood at some point of time, and faint – turning around as I fall so that I won’t fall flat on my face (I always find this really stupid when I see pretty and frail female stars fainting but have the energy to turn around so that they lay pretty-face up when they hit the ground or have their loves to catch their falls). And then I’ll be lying on the hospital bed looking I’m going to die and everyone crying by my bed.

OK, I digress. What was I saying?

Ya, my life’s like a stage play. I need not join The Navy in order to be a good movie. Ho Ho Ho.

Within a short period of time, I cried my eyeballs out and moved out of my house with such anger that if I stared hard enough I could prolly kill a rat. But yah, I was on the brink of mental instability, I think. I literally felt driven up to a wall, trampled like a tattered ragdoll. Anger of somebody useless is nothing to be afraid of, actually.

I kept crying, I diagnosed myself to be under depression. My tear ducts were overworked and the sides of my nose were aching like shit. I stopped crying and my anger rose in return. But each time I see my parents, I went soft.

Each time they tried to talk to me about my sister, I went into crazy confused Jean Grey in destruction mode.

But this incident showed me the people around me who were there for me, the entire time. Even my colleagues! And for that, I was so thankful, so touched. The support, the listening ear, the care and concern, and understanding wrapped me up like a security and comfort blanket. Soothed me, wiped my tears away.

And JX – being ever so patient with me, trying his best to cheer me up and wipe my easy-falling tears away, hugging my head to his chest as I sobbed and wet his shirt… I don’t know what to do without him. His family too, is so understanding to not ask me anything but just took me in. I don’t know how to thank them at all…

I felt really sad cos… I saw my parents in raw form, their old and weak sides. And I just couldn’t bear to do anything against their wishes. Even though I am angry.

I’m in a shitty position – caught in the middle of my own anger and willfulness, and my responsibility as a filial daughter.

Anger isn’t good for the body. It wrecks the body up and in no time, the weakest point of my body starts to hurt damn badly. Went to see a doctor and got a referral letter to the hospital for my bloody back but the appointment is so damn far away. My back would have been broken into pieces by then.

Last Saturday night, my boy brought me to A&E cos the pain in my back in the morning was so damn sharp and paralyzing that… that I thought my back has snapped into two. I saw stars and I sat down grabbing my back and clenching my fist. I kept quiet. I didn’t want my parents to know and then worry about me, given the situation right now. So I gritted my teeth and swallowed my fear and managed to put on a convincing enough act for them as I went out with them in the afternoon.

Turns out that I have a crack in my spinal cord (which is supposedly to be normal but the doctor, as usual, would not rule it out as a possible cause to my extreme pangs of pain), I’ve scoliosis, and she suspected that I could have a minor case of prolapsed disc.

Quite a mouthful to digest. I’ve pretty much a shitty wrecked up body. And all doctors alike, exclaimed at my age and complaints of backaches for years.

On medical leave now – which is alright, I could do with a short break with all the happenings. And till this point, my parents do not know.

Everything will blow over, I know. Matter of time.

I’ll just take a step (with a hand at my back) as it comes.

But my dear friends, and my boy, thank you so much… for being there for me and checking if I’m ok. You don’t know, how much it all means to me… :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KUM!

Life can only be that good if you have that little blood in your body. –grumble inwardly-

I just had an overdosage of Hello Kitty just by checking out Ass’s blog just now. I spasmed for a little, I think. Though I thought the layout to be better than the previous one. Ah ha ha.

I’m in denial mode – Noooooo… My colleagues from my team are trickling back to the office.

I saw something that irritated the hell out of me this morning. What’s up with some guys, really!? I don’t mean to be racist; but – there’s this indian guy who rushed to an available seat on the MRT, when he was initially standing with his wife/girlfriend/female friend, some distance away from his gleaming beckoning seat. He settled into his seat with a smug/satisfied smirk on his silly face, when I was just standing in front of the then-empty seat, with absolute no intention to play snatch-a-chair with him. I looked up from the magazine I was reading and at him dully, disgusted at his lack of dignity and manliness. Then his wife/girlfriend/female friend stood before him shortly after, looking as if she expected his behaviour to be so.

YUCKS!!!!

Not only he rushed to the empty seat like a kiasu ah-soh (somehow, if he is a kiasu ah-soh, I would have understand), he let his wife/girlfriend stand before him while he sits for the entire train ride!!

Or maybe I’m pampered by JX – JX lets me sit if there is an available seat or that both of us not sit. I’m not saying it’s a right of females to get to sit while the guys stand over them la, but it’s like a bonus to know how sweet they can be and it definitely reflects the magnitude of a guy who graciously gives up his seat to any female – pregnant or old or not!

(Yes, sleep did make the humongous zits go down.)

I just read Kay's blog and apparently she's very offended by an undergrad from the ARTS faculty. And I am offended by her blog. Because I'm from the ARTS. I'm no good in the Sciences. I like Biology, but I can't do Physics nor Chemistry for nuts. And the education system made it in a way that students can only take up Biology with either Chemistry or Physics. I struggled at them when I was in secondary school, so why bother struggle some more in JC? I prefer to write, I prefer reading Geography. I like reading and Literature. My interests are in Arts not Sciences. And I believe in pursuing what I like to study. And not because I think studying something can make me go far in life. Because I for sure, wouldn't want to go work in something I do not like. So why bother make studying a more torturous ordeal? Because I know that graduates often than not work in very different fields in relation to their degrees. And I see my aunt, with a Geography honours degree, working in an Investment company, and earning big bucks. She said study what you are interested in, because work is another matter altogether anyway. What you need is Opportunity in work. Other people may beg to differ and they have their own rights to choosing what they want to do in University, may it be for their interests, or for their future. I don't deny that at one point of time, I regretted studying English and Sociology. Because I do not know where to go, what to apply for jobs when I had just graduated. I realised, in dismay, that my degree is too general. And no company is willing to take you in with just that and without any experience. But yah, I realised, you can climb your way up after you infiltrate into the company. (ok, that's another topic) But doing Arts, either by choice or not, doesn't mean that we're stupid.

I'm not agreeing with the silly girl who offended Kay and her friend by implying that Maths or Sciences people do not know how to communicate or know how to speak fluently or nicely or whatever. That's her own warped way of categorizing people in different faculties. And she spoke with much bluntness and ignorance too. We can't run away from stereotyping. Even in a lecture hall, a lecturer has subcategorized his own lecture-hall-full of students into faculties and said, "Science students are ok. They know their facts because they ask. Engineering students too. They are very technical. But Arts students, they're stupid. They just whacked around hoping to hit one right spot. There's a lot of smoke. They do not question, they do not respond in a lecture." or something to that extent saying that Art students are retards. Needless to say, it got most of us very ruffled up.

No one likes discrimination. And there isn't a need for throwing people into categories in a society. It's always the lack of understanding that spews out such remarks. The silly girl thinks Sciences or Maths students can't speak properly (yes, and that seems really stupid). And for that, it seems discerning.

But back to what Kay has got to say in her blog. Arts students being arty farty. I don't even know what's the real definition of being arty farty. And to admit being ok with Sciences or Maths, makes them less arty farty? Pretend to be arty farty? I don't deny that there are some phony ones. And I do think that my sister is weirdly arty farty. And I couldn't really stand it either. Because she thinks that her taste is high-class, while any who differs from her - well, they're just, plainly tasteless. She speaks with a phony accent too (which she speaks that way 24/7 - so she's prolly getting used to her own phony accent). She huffs at any one who dresses shabbily or has a weird coordination of colours/top and bottom/stripes and prints/whatever. She irritates the hell out of me but she manages to find her own bunch of (arty farty &/or tolerant) friends. So she lives her own. The arty farty, (more) colourful, better world.

I'm offended, Kay, because you're no different from the silly girl to make snide comments about anyone from a particular faculty. Do I think my English is ok? I think I'm ok, I did English for my degree. I somewhat know how the language English originates, I know Singlish is a proper language (though developing). But we do not learn how to speak properly, or with a phony accent, or vocabulary for that matter (there are some students who took up English as a specialised degree, who can't speak English fluently because they're foreigners). Not for any module in the Arts faculty - they don't teach you that. So it's everyone's misconception that Arts students are supposedly to be good in English. They are just the way they are even before they go into the University.

I get mildy irritated with people who think that Arts modules are airy fairy or easy. It might be so, as compared to other faculties modules. But we have theories, we have facts too. Some theories are scientific, some theories are mathematical too. And we represent our Sociological findings with evidences. What do other people know about that?

A few black sheep do not represent the whole herd. In Arts or in Science or in Maths. Or Engineering, for that matter. No one's stupid, it's just that they have their calling in different areas - different from you.

Did I mention ZITS in the last blog???

I have 2 huge zits on my chin now!!!!!!!!!! WTH! Those that look like red molehills! Nothing to squeeze! Those that you think maybe there's something if I try squeezing it, and you try but only send painful tears springing to your eyes and making the molehill look like a mini volcano threatening to erupt. But it won't erupt. But I guess you could keep trying. Till it spurts blood. And you regret ever touching it cos it looks even worse.

Oh, I want to pop it! -screech-

It's just that rush of pleasure and triumph after getting a pimple pop. Better still if the pus shoots out and splatter on the mirror. Bwahahahaha. Then you wipe the gunk off the mirror with a smirk. Or a huge blackhead. Waaa... A war won.

But the zits I have on my chin now are such bores. I can't do anything to them. No picking, no pinching, no squeezing, no scratching. Damn, they're gleaming at me triumphantly and smugly for being able to plant themselves on my chin. Grrr... I just have to... w.....a....i....t...... for them to d..i...s..a....p..p..e.....a....r........

Dya think they'll go away if I sleep early tonight? Maybe they'll shrink.

Hm! Night!

I’ve been having such bad bouts of headaches. I don’t know why. People who watch the World Cup through the nights are fine, why me? The headaches are getting really bad. Pounding the sides of my head seems to alleviate the pain a little…

And I don’t feel like working at all.

Did I say that I love reading “Zits”? Meet the characters.

Wacky. :)

I often walk through a particular block in Ang Mo Kio, with a shiver of terror that went through my entire body. What I had seen around that particular area, either early in the morning, or late at night, was the cause of my horror and nasty images that went through my mind. What did I see exactly...?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A used pad strewn on the ground floor.

REALLY!.. Oh, the horror!!!

Each time I saw it, my whole body went up in mini-convulsion. Okay, it's not like I have not seen my own before. But what! Thrown out from the toilet window and all splayed out in the public for all to see!! Yah, it has wings, but it sure can't fly for nuts??! The floor even has some weird dark stains which I tried to curb my mind from imagining what could they have been. And more prominently, some portions of the pink sticky parts of the pad have stubbornly stuck themselves onto the ground (and I try not to think that the poor cleaner for that block may have to bend over and rip it off from the ground). **I think it might have been Kotex brand cos it's pink. Whisper has blue pads. The more in use brands are these so I deduce that it is Kotex.

So, I am very afraid that every time I step out of that particular block, a used pad is actually free-falling towards my head. ...EEEEEEE..!!! I even go think, "When I'm on my way to work, she could just have woken up and changing her used sanitary napkin; and when I'm on my way home, she could have just returned home and changing her pad again...!!"

So I tried my best to not walk that particular area which I often see the bloody sight.

That woman must be crazy. Either that, she finds it amusing looking out of the toilet window and see people looking around and above themselves furtively while walking around that block. One helluva inconsiderate crazy woman.

Is there no way that we can track which unit the crazy woman is staying???

I really detest those people who push and shove other passengers in a train or a bus while they shift to the exits, before the train/bus reaches the destination and open the damn doors.

Hey, use your damn brain, if the train/bus is already packed, what makes you think that you'll have the space when you reach near the exits? You only irritate the hell out of the people near the exits because it's already damn squashed up and you just had to snake into the squash while leaving a void behind somewhere. And people do not shuffle quick enough for the irritants to get to the exits.

A few steps ahead of your life won't save much time from your death!!! Like, let the people near the exits get outta the train/bus and you can snake your way out of the train/bus! With grace!

And it's not even just the kiasu aunties who act in this manner. What's the matter with these people?

AND!!! This @#%!+?~#@ JERK in the train stomped on my poor little right second toe (cos it's the longest and prolly sticking out of my open-toe-heels) as he tried to balance himself the moment the train started.

WHAAAAAAAAATTTTT THE FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRKKKKKK!!!!

FUCKING PAIN!!! My toes instantly crunched up, my face contorted and flushed to a bright red (I presume cos I felt HOT at once). People around me looked at me cautiously as if they were looking at a pimple bursting to pop.

All my friends, you know why my toenails are perpetually painted? IT'S COS OF THESE STUPID PEOPLE WHO JUST CAN'T STOP STOMPING ON MY TOES AS IF THEY'RE TOO UGLY TO BE TOES!!!

And so, a couple (maybe three now) of my toenails are kinda, black. And they won't grow out, nor drop off.

Back to the train, after I swallowed my yelp of pain, I stared daggers at the guy with ill-balance who caused my toe to throb like it has a heart of its own.

WA!! Don't even turn around to acknowledge that a toe has been stepped! Don't say sorry never mind, not even a sympathetic or apologetic look! FUCKER!!

I cursed at him under my breath as I looked at him stumble away as if he was walking against a tornado, cos he was walking in the different direction of the train's.

I hope all his toes rot and fall off.

And then he would have a worse sense of balance without his toes. Ha.Ha.Ha.

...ARGH!!!

....MY poor toes...

Looks like I got to stock up on some nail polish...

Or maybe fake toenails...

The Da Vinci Code (finally)

"It's not right," I thought. "It's just not right!" I shifted restlessly in my chair and I just felt uncomfortable.

As I looked at the screen, craning my neck to the right, as I was seated right at the extreme left of the cinema theatre (yes, the theatre is still full despite 3 weeks into screening!), I just couldn't find the wrong element that made me so uncomfortable.

And then I pinpointed that Tom Hanks, do not fit the character of Robert Langdon at all.

He seemed rather, flaccid. At least, what I perceived from the book, Robert Langdon was a charming intellect. Balding wasn't in my mind. Tom Hanks could look like an intellect, but er, looking at him in this show, made me relate to the show Cast Away. An intellect no less (how else he would have survived?), having a bloodied volleyball as his bestest friend. Some credit to his creativity too, Wilson-the-volleyball-turned-best-pal had quite a hairstyle. But charming intellect, he fall short a little. Not for Robert Langdon, I say.

So I and my boy started to come up with the possible candidates in Hollywood who could play Robert Langdon's role. Not easy, actually. Not many male stars in Hollywood come across as intellectuals even.

No, not even those who acted as James Bond.

The one who comes the closest is...

Keanu Reeves.

Really! Look, he has acted in Devil's Advocate, in Constantine, and in The Matrix. All are something to do with devils, angels, heaven and hell and for The Matrix, something very out of this world itself. He's perpetually moody and for that he seemed deep. Unfathomable. And in the Devil's Advocate, he acted as a lawyer, quite convincingly. And charmingly. So he could still pull off as a professor. Now, imagine him with spectacles. He can look like a professor! And a charming one to add.

Overall, the movie was rather a disappointment. Nothing that I expected it out to be. Go read the book la. And the movie, I don't know exactly, but it seemed like it wanted to inject some objectivity into the Christianity and Paganism issues. Like it will lessen the controversial part of it.

Too fast-paced. In the show, it was like Robert Langdon's a genius cos the answers just plonked down on him suddenly. Too much luck. A little slipshod, and too much cut-away portions of the story.

BOOOOOO....

I say, the show's a mega-hit, only because it was banking on Dan Brown's controversial book.

*********************************

On the side note, I believe in some sense about the Sacred Feminine. Paganism. And that in the past, people prolly worshipped nature and balance in the world. Because I believe, that the world is created out of balance. There's no one true entity that could exist on its own, and have any true meaning to it. Like, you only know the meaning of happiness, when there's sadness. The existence of male is supported by the existence of female, vice versa. Ying and Yang. Up and down, left and right.

The balance in the world is all off. Our believes in male supremity, all women included, are evident. Women partake activities that predominantly male, like work and politics, and vacate the female roles. Females becoming 'Male'. Male - Egoism - Power - War. Indeed, the downfall of Mankind, will be our very own destruction.

Birthday with my buddies...

A little belated, I know. It's already June, goodness. But again, I would want to look back at this blog decades later. And not wonder where did my friends go during my 23rd birthday.

It wasn't grand or whatever. We had Mac's and then went to Gecko Cafe (or Cafe Gecko-whatever) [ok, Kum has confirmed that it is Cafe Iguana. Erm, I just knew that it was some reptile. Lizard or Iguana. Muahahahaha...] at Clarke Quay to have our Mexican fare and humongous strawberry margarita. Overall it was a cosy feel and we were just enjoying each other's company. And I think we went on talking about jobs as usual.

And then, we went to sit at the 'river' (or rather canal) side. And I supposed that's where the sparklers are supposed to come in. (which I actually genuinely had forgotten about it until they started acting too obviously strange behind my back; literally)

But instead I think they conspired to shock me enough to jump into the river with the aid of some little explosive-sounding white bits that were bought in Malaysia. I don't know what they're called, but I remembered throwing them about when I was a kid, relishing in the loud "PIAK"ing noises that jumped unexpecting passerbys.

And in the end, we were throwing those little white bits around carelessly, celebrating my birthday in a 'loud' manner.

And I don't know which one of us started it, but we thought that we make wishes. And then end them off with a resounding PIAK.

I thought that it was the nice and heartwarming part. Cos as we were reciting our wishes out, it's only when we know what each other was thinking...

Only to have Kum to 'wet' the moment a little by saying if the little bits fail to 'explode' in a PIAK, our wishes wouldn't come true.

-_-

And so we ended up throwing the remaining bits with all our might. Call us superstitious or gullible, but maybe we just didn't want to risk it - for all the important things we wish for.

We each went home; and Shilin and I talked for quite a bit on the way home. Reminisced. How we came about to being 'best' friends. A tad silly but somehow we stayed together that way.

An ending note a tad mushy but: I just want them to know that no matter where all of us are and how busy we can get to be, they remain as the closest buddies that I've ever got and will ever have...

X-Men III

Mission Impossible 3, I have not watched. The Da Vinci Code, I yearn to watch. X-Men, to be out tomorrow, I've already watched!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAA..

It's a neverending need to keep up with the blockbusters that come out every week. (And instead, I wasted one time to watch Poseidon with my family on Mothers' Day. Yes, it's really Titanic-meet-Daylight CRAP!!).

Just almost an hour and a half show, there's hardly any time to build any good base for a war between mutants and humans nor end it properly especially.

Jean Gray becomes The Phoenix (aka Goddess of Destruction, at least in the movie). And her favourite colour is red. (I like her red hair though. Hm.)

Scott aka the Laser Guy, Professor X and Jean Grey DIE!!!

HAHAHAHA!!!! I GOT YOU! I spoilt your movie!!!

*frown* That doesn't go in the comic nor cartoon. But again, there's no Gambit, no Jubilee and what happened to NightCrawler? And I thought that Rogue's other gifts were her great strength and ability to fly?

I always thought that Gambit was cool with his stick and poker cards and red eyes. When I was a kid. But he can't do shit la.

And the new guy with angel wings in this show? DUUUUUHHH... Get your feathers to drop off and slash enemies when you fly or something!

Oh, so late. Time to sleep. I used to think that if I can fly, it will be great, but after watching that guy with wings fly... I thought otherwise. Maybe if I got a special power, that will be to go without sleep. Life's too short for sleeping. But I'm no mutant nor superwoman.

Wa lao. I absolutely could not stand it. The stupid bitch strikes again, but what's new right! Aarrh... She's now acting as if the family's camera is hers, bringing it wherever she goes, and since it's my birthday this week, I only used it these few days, and then what she says?

"Where's the camera? I need it now."

I kept silent for a while and said, "It's with me, with my memory stick. I'll transfer my pictures over first."

I went to get the camera from my bag and then she said, "Oh. The cable is with me, I didn't bring it back."

WTF.

So I grudingly passed her the camera with the family's (and not HERS) memory stick. And just commented, "You gotta charge it. Batt's low."

And she hurriedly say, "You charge it LA!!" while holding out the camera that I've just placed on the table. I frowned, said, "YOU said you need it NOW what!"

"No? I don't need it now. You charge it."

Bitch.

And ok, I took it from her and was going to charge it, and she went on!!! Like, "Why would I need it now... don't know how to charge it..." and said something about "stupid" or something to that extent.

#%!#$^@&!!!!

I flew up and said loudly, "DON'T behave like the camera's YOURS." She kept quiet.

I wanted to say that she didn't even pay a single shit for the camera nor for the memory stick. But she is hoarding it like almost everyday.

"And bring that cable back ASAP." (Why in the first place did she bring it out and leave it anywhere else when it's not hers!? That's the fucking problem with this stupid bitch. And it's not the freaking first time. The other time was the home PC's MOUSE!)

And she muttered some incoherent and irrelevant things which only reflected as a bratty bitch who thinks that everything in the house belongs to her. She needs it? She gets it.

Damn it.

*********************************

All my good mood evaporated into thin air. Faaaaaaarrrrk.

Hai...

I'll blog another time.

I'm 23!!! As old as I am, I actually still stay up till midnight last night (but again which night I didn't?). And count how many true friends I have by those who message me to wish me well. Muaahahahaha. Yah yah, childish I know. But er, I don't have true friends more than the fingers of E.T's hand. (/-\)

Was frantically trying to complete most of my work in office yesterday. And I ended up one of the few ones who left the office late...st. Just cos I am on leave today!!

And my mom messaged me last night while I was still in office: "23 years ago in 1983.. I was still cooking dinner before going to (the) hospital. The next day I was induced and a baby girl was borned. I was happy... So you are the one, my 1st daughter, she is already 23."

That message sent my tears springing to my eyes and I actually cried in the office. I was touched, and I guess my mummy was feeling a little old. I LOVE YOU MUMMY!!! :')

I woke up today and was anticipating an in-bed breakfast. YES!!! JX is cooking for me!!! Ah hahahaha... But erm, I couldn't pretend to sleep. Not till 11AM anyway. He's been cooking my breakfast for almost an hour already. And he is not allowing me to step into the kitchen and kept shooing me away. And so I looked from my room and saw him scurrying around the kitchen and squealing and grinning widely at the pancake mixture in the wok.

-_-

But AWW... he's so cute!! He's cooking my breakfast with so much love and care (and concentration), I'm so touched! :')

And then he kept running in to my room to ask me questions. Hahahaha... -hug-

And now he's using my sense of smell to see if the hotdogs are already cooked in the oven in the kitchen. Hohoho..

I got my first present yesterday, given by Sandy from my workplace. Wow, I didn't expect it, and just before she left the office she handed me a little box and wished me happy birthday. I went, "Wow!!! SERIOUS!!? THANK YOU!!!" and started grinning goofily at my present. And Sandy was saying, "You'll like it!! You'll be using it for sure." I guessed it was perfume cos earlier in the day I was complaining I stink (because the morning was so humid and I was rushing to work, sweating). "No no, it's of good use!" Hmmm...

I opened it later in the night. It's....

Avene Sunblock lotion.

-_-

Hahahaha, can see that there's thought in the present lo. I know I'm dark la, and I'd gotten really burnt once when I was working in this company. The present is kinda funny lo. Then she was messaging me on the hp, saying that I gotta take care of my skin, must maintain the youth now... I am so touched lo... :'D

It's such a touchy birthday.

Will be meeting Kum and Shi tomorrow, I think. And I already know that there'll be sparklers!!! Cos Shi said that my present is only suitable for night. HO HO HO... :D

********intermission********

I've eaten my breakfast!!! Woah.. it was so nicely presented lei!!! :) Baby, thank you!!! Muahh. There're hotdogs, pancakes with honey topping and chocolate topping, a green apple with chocolate topping (yum!) and a glass of orange juice. Woow...

*burp*

I almost forgot how special you can feel during birthdays! Last year I was down with a high fever and was suspected of having a dengue fever, which turned out to be tonsillitis. But can't speak or eat properly. So how to celebrate any shit?

Wa... I feel like a 23-year-old princess! In good mood!

Shit. The long weekend is about to end in 12 hours time. And it's going to be a long draggy Monday all over again. Did anyone mention about implying a 4 day work week in Singapore?

I got a new handphone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wahahaha...

HEE HEE. (Ya, you can say that I'm a little bored.)

But isn't the phone pretty! A little broad, yes, but flat. They have a less broad version, but that's more expensive by 160 buckeroos. One setback is that when slid closed, the hp has no whatsoever indication that it's even switched on. It blacked out totally, not even a clock analog, or a missed call or a message if I have one. The salesperson said that total blackout is to help save battery cos its life isn't that long. So no screensaver no flickering clock analog.

-_-

Looks like I have to start wearing watches now.

I was always irritated that my previous Samsung phone doesn't indicate on its external screen that I've a msg after I ignored it for a while. And thus I have to keep flipping it up and down. And sooo, after a while, I just couldn't be bothered to flip it back down cos it's easier to check whether I've a message or missed call, when I'm working. And people are always asking me why do I bother getting a clamshell phone. Hey, I didn't know that this would happen. I thought that the manufacturers would know better! At least those in Nokia do?

This new Samsung phone is even worse than my previous Samsung phone.

And it doesn't have any holes that I can hook onto if I want it attached to a lanyard around my neck. So stupid. Ya, no dingly dangling phone chains. And yes, basically, I don't have any way to personalise my new handphone. *$%#(!$%... And yes, the handphone only comes in black colour.

Then you wonder why I bought this phone. Because it's Samsung! (And not Nokia) And the other functions made up for this flaw. (Or that I would like to think so too.) Muahahahaha.

...........................................................................

Happy Mother's Day, anyway! Gonna have a dinner with my extended family and it's time - the younger generation forks out money to pay for the meal.

Finally. It's the long weekend. Why did this week go so slowly even though it's a 4 day week? And the next holiday is in August. AUGUST. Damn it, so damn far away.

Mom's day coming soon and I don't have the slightest idea what to get my mom. I think she would like cash. Hm...

Impromptu meetup with Kum & Shi today. Talk about jobs... again. Kum finally graduating, and panicking being not able to get a job, irritated with her mom with the slightest suggestion that she should be more proactive in looking for a job, just as I was in the past. Shi, as usual, saying that she wants to quit her accounting job and that cos of her job, she doesn't have a life of her own now, BUT the money is too good. So that's why she's still at it now.

But seriously, to work everyday till 9 something? And even on weekends? If I were Shi, I wouldn't have lasted till this long. And I would have justified myself by saying something about having to weigh my happiness and freedom against a big paycheck. First 2 weeks of the month, I would not think much, but next 2 weeks, I would curse and swear that even though I work till so late everyday, but I don't have enough money to spend.

There's no perfect job. Even if it seems perfect at the start, it'll begin to become a routine and a bore. And then, you'll start dreading it. Er, maybe. Cos I was not even in the perfect job in the first place.

I don't even know what's a perfect job. Heck - there's no perfect job. Haiya, what am I saying. Jobs are just jobs. You work, you earn money, you get by. And in no time, you'll retire, with barely any money because you've been paying off debts and loans for cars and houses and everything else. So you'll be happier maybe, to just give up looking for the perfect job for yourself. Cos happy or not, the world still goes round, and what makes the world go round? Money.

Life is so sad...

And I realise that my blogs are getting really mundane and boring... but of course, it reflects my dull life... boohoohooooooooooooooooooooooo.

Time to sleep.

Last night, one of my closest friends messaged me saying that she was clearing her stuffs and came across some things that reminded her of how close we used to be, and then ended off saying that she misses me. That message sent me a pang of pain in my innards and I realised that I was swallowing a lump in my throat as I read the message.

I had been missing Shi & Kum even though we all carried on with our busy lives. I placed a photograph of us all beneath the glass pane on my desk at work, but that had dated back when I was just 18 years old. Even though we were all from different junior colleges, we were still close and kept in contact often. Times at school is somehow different... The feel is somehow different. We can be super busy with our work but we can still manage to find some time to meet up and do silly things. Busy but really happy times. But again, we had school holidays. We grow older, and we lack the energy to do just about anything other than.. work. So we get busy... and unhappy.

I miss my friends, and getting to know that they miss me too, made me miss them even more... And miss the times when we are all schooling...

They still remain as the closest friends that I ever had...

***************************

I'm done with reading The Da Vinci Code. WOW. I'm glad that I had bought the book. It was really a marvel!!!! I MUST watch that movie!!! I hope the show do justice to the story book. Can't wait for its release. Hm. Although it was explicitly indicated that the story's fictional, some parts of me hoped that it is not. Because it's controversial? Maybe! Everyone loves a controversy.

I just love the mysterious and dark feeling of the unveiled parts of history. And the possibility of another truth, another side of the frequently told story. Of course, I know there's no absolute truth. And I've learnt there's no history recorded that depicts the absolute truth of what had happened. (I've always like those lessons in University - "History is just but the relation of events in the past from the perspective of the dominant class..." Oooh!!! That dark feeling! Of the untold side of history burning to be unveiled...)

That's why I like mystery books I guess.

Although I had never liked History (& Kum can testify to that) and never scored in that subject, because I hate memorizing important dates and long weird-sounding names, the mystifying factor of what the present try to derive from the evidence left from the past is a draw. Especially the controversial and open-ended ones.

....ahh... Can't wait till 18th May!!

Was pissed off at work some time back and I was blabbering at top speed to almost anyone how unhappy and indignant I was. Till the point that I find it a little pointless to say it out on blog right now.

But boy, am I pissed. I was kinda glad though - I found out that, in fact, I wasn't the sole person feeling that way to that particular idiot. And so a bunch of us were happily bringing The Housefly down during lunch times, and any one time that he came buzzing around us irritatingly for no particular reason. Somehow, bonding occurs when we have a common enemy. Wahaha.

Grrr...

.................................................

I've watched Take the Lead! And woooah... I wish I can dance that well, man!!!!!! But erm, I also wished I can do Muay Thai Boxing when I watched this particular Thai show. And I'd also wished that I can do Kungfu when I watched Charlie's Angels. And that I have extraordinary supernatural powers when I watched X-Men. Or that I can surf like a pro when I watched Blue Crush. So...... ignore me.

Nice soundtracks though. Makes me wanna daaaance...!!

...................................................

A colleague just left us. I felt really sad, even though I'd known her only for about 3 months. Prolly the reason being that she's one of the lunch kakis of mine, and that she's really nice. And also, that she sits behind me, and when she leaves, someone new is going to take her place. :(

Oh well... greener pastures beckons. So the cows on the yellower side have to let this cow happily go to the juicier grass.

So sad. Mooo...

Sometimes I think, is this really what I really want to be doing in the future? Am I going to be stuck at what I am primarily doing, will I have a chance to venture some more?

Thinking about the future sucks. And there isn't really much of a point cos you don't ever get answers.

Suicidal Thoughts

I remember, having talking about suicidal methods which one can take with my friends. I don't know why I suddenly thought about that topic. We talked about the pain factor, aesthetics factor, fun (before you die) factor...

1) Slitting of wrists: It's messy, and of course it hurts. You see and feel blood spurting out from your cut wrists, like water fountains. Unlike TV shows, blood don't trickle, if you really intent on killing yourself. It's often, very grostesque and messy. And painful.

2) Jumping down from anywhere really tall: The thrill factor will be there, before you hit the ground. But once you wham your face into the ground, it'll be really messy and ugly. Every bone will be shattered. And on the way down, steer clear of all objects to maximise thrill factor and minimise pain factor. There's one case that a person was decapitated because his/her head hit the paraquet so hard, that the head broke off the body. So that the body lay below the building but the head was on some floors above at the corridor. And it better be somewhere really tall and can, for sure, kill you, once and for all. It's worse when you become paralysed, when you all the more want to kill yourself, but find yourself, all helpless and unable to move at all to bring a knife to your throat.

3) Downing sleeping pills / detergent: Sleeping pills would prolly be a quieter way to go away than detergent. But both can result in serious bouts of vomitting which can be really painful. You start foaming at the mouth, while your stomach is churning and trying its very best to dispel the poison and toxic. You die smelly and foaming and prolly blue from choking on your own vomit.

4) Drowning: It's a painful and slow way to kill yourself. You struggle and kick at nothing, your lungs burning for air; suffocation is a horrible lonely feeling. It's not aesthetical either, your body will bloat up and turn greyish-blue.

5) Gassing: My friends and I once thought that gassing yourself seems the quietest and painless and most aesthetical way to go. You'll die with a pink glow on your face, and most of the times, you won't feel suffocated because you will die in your sleep. But you risk being blown up, once there's an electric spark the whole house will be blown up. And you risk having other innocent people being injured or killed too in your quest of killing yourself.

6) Hanging: Like drowning, suffocation. And you will look horrible. I was told, before that the tongue will hang out of the mouth, and because you struggle so much and kicking blindly at air, you may shit or pee in your pants.

7) Setting one self on fire: Pain, and of course, you will not be recognized. If you manage to find a place to really burn yourself up without anyone stopping you. And of course, you risk setting up the whole place on fire, which may also injure innocent people.

8) Stabbing one self: Pain pain pain.

9) Shooting self with gun: (let's not talk how you get the gun in the first place) At the head, your brains will fly out and splatter on the wall. And half your head will be blown off. Not pretty. If you shoot yourself in the throat, your head will be lolling off by sheer skin and some shreds of muscles. Very unpretty. If you attempt to shoot yourself at your chest, you may not die so quickly. You will most prolly die from internal bleeding and drowning from your own blood. See 4) Drowning.

There's no way that you can kill yourself, painlessly, beautifully, and without having anyone risking being hurt also. I was thinking whether stuffing one self with Milo powder can achieve that, or not. I love Milo.

But I thought also, people who are determined to kill themselves, will not really think of consequences, or how they'll look like after they die, or the pain... The pain that they are going through in their lives, must be tremendous to make them want to take their lives. People say that committing suicide is a selfish act. I don't deny that, do they think of the people who care for them, who love them...? They prolly thought that ending their lives will be tantamount to ending all troubles. Their own troubles. But they didn't think how devastated how sad their families and friends will be with their absence.

Committing suicide is a crime, you know? Your body will be handcuffed and taken away. And your body will also be caned.

Rain rain rain! What's so good about having a holiday, when the weather's so damn bad and you pratically can't go anywhere! So damn depressing.

*********************************

When I replied that i was going home to sleep or watch tv, to whoever who asked me where I was going after work since it's going to be a long weekend, they smiled sadly and said, "That's how things are once you start work. Sad, right?"

........that sounds like an implication that I do not have a life, or that I have a very sad mundane life. Okay, I don't deny that actually, it's rather sad. Not much time for anything else. Heck, I can almost forget that my birthday is arriving soon, till my mom suggested something for my birthday present. I was thinking, "Huh? My birthday present?" and then.. I feel old and now, I don't find it disbelieving that people actually do forget their own birthdays because they're too caught up with other matters in their lives, their work. I normally would have been counting down to it. But now... Maybe I'm getting too old (and busy), and have started evading candles, subconsciously.

*******************************

I feel ashamed, that being a Chinese, I only can sputter Chinese, marginally coherent in my speech. This is embarrasing. Although I feel bad that I can't speak Cantonese really well even though I understand it and can vomit coherent phrases from time to time, it's somehow worse for not being able to speak fluently in Chinese. Because I had actually studied Chinese?!

But what the hell, I was at work when I was speaking to a kind uncle who can only speak Chinese and Hokkien (forget Hokkien, when I can't even handle my own dialect) over the phone, I was sputtering in my Chinese so bad, I found myself hilarious. The kind uncle was very patient with my slow, broken sentences. It's like, I threw the key words out at him, and he listened patiently, while filling in the blanks himself. In the end, he understood what I was trying to get to him, and he was so thankful that I got to him, and apologetic that I need to call so many times regarding this event. While inside of me, I was thankful that he was being so kind and patient towards me! ...I yearn, to improve my CHINESE!!!

I've been listening to some Chinese songs for now. But I doubt that helps, cos... I didn't understand a single shit what the singers are yodelling. Even if I could decipher what they were singing, or that I manage to hit a website with the Chinese lyrics to the songs, I vaguely understand what they mean while ponder what they mean when the words are strung together. On more sophisticated songs, really picturesque ones, like Jay Chou's ones, I can hardly understand the songs off-ear.

This is so sad. My mom asked me to go read Chinese books and I stared at her blankly. I do not even have time for English books, books that I will love to read, will I have the time to pore over books which I have to guess about its contents even after I read the book? But if I don't read Chinese books, how the heck am I going to improve my Chinese? So I try to speak Chinese more often now.

Try.